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Addiction

CM Athy: BPD? Am I Inferior?

It is Mittwoch, midweek. Interesting morning so far. I spoke openly about how much of a loner I am both inside and outside of addiction. My psychiatric team would diagnose me with Borderline Personality Disorder, personally I just don’t know. I’ve created a safe shell out of the past twenty years and it’s hard to get out of. My councillor today spoke about how I may feel inferior and may have a fear of connecting with others. It definitely did me no favours and I would view it as a negative characteristic to have. I suppose on the other hand in order to make friendships with others I need to make friends with myself first. They say addiction is something that bubbles up from disconnection. I’ve disconnected myself from friends, family & society. Sometimes I blame my medication for this […]

Shanley July 8, 2025

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Addiction

CM Athy: Resentments (Flashback)

Today was fine, not much to report, I can see my blog taking a nosedive as just fine becomes the new norm. I didn’t pick up a drink or have a gamble today, that’s what counts. Last night I finally identified myself as an addict, not just an alcoholic. One of the group wanted me to go for a pint, how tempting it was. I fantasized and toyed with idea for a while, luckily I was able to ‘play the tape forward’. I would have ended in a week, maybe even a month-long binge fuelled by shame and guilt. I’m getting very little exercise here, it may be something I need to look at. By December I hope to be mentally and physically fit for work again. In gambling we spoke about our Higher Power. I realised I resented God […]

Shanley July 8, 2025

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Addiction

CM Two Week Anniversary (Flashback)

I made it to my Cuan Mhuire two week anniversary. Things have taken a step up from last week. This week includes work therapy, I’m in the kitchen. It also includes eight meetings on alcohol and gambling too. This week's topic is ‘The Blindness of Addiction.’ My morning was spent peeling potatoes, it was tedious and I could not imagine myself doing it for ten weeks. It was the beginning of my first wobble. Then like seeing the sunrise I managed to get it into my head that I could manage it for today. And I did. Everybody enjoyed the dinner too. Maybe I’ll even be able to do it tomorrow again too. It was very similar to the twelve step program of AA and GA. Thinking I’ll never drink or gamble for the rest of my life is a […]

Shanley July 8, 2025

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Flashback

Suicide & Self Harm (Reflection)

Suicide and self-harm is a big part of my story too. The first direct attempt I made on my life was at about the age of twenty. Somedays I feel like I want to die and some days I don’t. I went through a phase of self-harm too but in recent times I haven’t cut myself. I don’t see the point in self-harming anymore, I would have a preference to just taking my life. It’s a horrible thing that just became an obsessive part of my journey. I don’t believe I ever tried to kill myself sober, I simply wouldn’t have the balls to do it. In recent years my ‘suicide attempts’ would be classed as risky behaviours. I could climb onto the Salmon Weir bridge and use it as a tightrope. I could jump into the river only to […]

Shanley July 8, 2025

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Addiction

Depression and I

Growing up middle class next to a housing estate has had an effect on me. I always wanted more and blamed my circumstances for not getting it. Yet I was never really ready to work hard to achieve my dreams. I went to a relatively wealthy primary and secondary school and constantly compared myself to others. I was never happy with what I had. I had Family, my health, love and much more growing up but I never appreciated it. Lately I’ve been working on a gratitude list. Redemption is what I’m grateful for today. I have this opportunity to turn my life around. To show love to those who loved, to become a disciple to my body & mind where I neglected it before. I even have the opportunity to give to my family rather than take. My life […]

Shanley July 7, 2025

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Addiction

CM Athy Sunday Reflection (Flashback)

It’s Sunday. As the week draws to an end I am presently giving myself space to reflect. Reflect on what brought me here, how I am today and taking in some SMART goals for the week ahead. In the simplest terms I came here because my life was completely unmanageable. When I left Galway I was in debts of around three thousand euros and had my electricity cut off for not paying it. I was not prepared for the mental torture I put on myself having no electricity. I had no phone, laptop or internet. It made me very suicidal, ironically here in CM Athy I have none of them luxuries yet it is making me content. It just goes to show the power of a good attitude. Without these items I turned to a new scale of drink, drugs […]

Shanley July 7, 2025

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Addiction

My body is a temple today (Flashback)

Looking after my body & mind should be a core part of my recovery. At present I’m smoking a lot of cigarettes so I don’t want to come across as hypocritical. I  need to remind myself I am not perfect but rather content with making progress. Atomic Habits would quote “Making tiny changes. Remarkable results”. It would encourage you to make yourself 1% better everyday. For me it begins with breakfast. (Ironically I actually skipped breakfast for a few extra hours of self-loathing in bed today.) In CM Athy I get breakfast every morning. I’ve always struggled with self-discipline and eating breakfast every morning outside of residential treatment has always been a struggle for me. Generally I would consider three to four coffees and seven to nine cigarettes in the morning part of my morning routine. I need to work […]

Shanley July 7, 2025

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Addiction

CM Athy Weekender (Flashback)

It’s Friyay, the weekends here are slightly less hectic and I’m looking forward to the break. In previous treatments I hated the weekends as they dragged on. Statistically I’m more prone to leaving on the weekend too so I need to stay on guard. It doesn’t help that my payday is on a Saturday either. I was sick again today. My chest infection is getting slightly better but I had an uncontrollable bout of heartburn. This time unlike previous treatments I asked the nurses for help, they obliged with some Gaviscon. It didn’t really work but I could take a lot of positives from asking. Usually I’d suffer in silence. I have some sort of false pride which prevents me from asking for help even when I need it most. Part of me thinks I’m not good enough for the […]

Shanley July 6, 2025

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Addiction

Trauma and I

Whenever I hear the word trauma it brings me to an awkward place. It’s an area most people find difficult. It’s a place in the past that caused me to ‘flight’. The brain sends warning signals. “My brain is wired by a plumber”, I was once told in CM Coolarne by a lady at AA. I heard last night how the brain interprets danger, the brain in an instant looks for previous memory to identify the danger. Generally the previous danger can be trauma. I grew up witnessing violence. Both emotional and physical violence. No wonder my brain lately has been in ‘danger’ mode. It’s experience the pain of being a prisoner in my own home ten months ago. I also witnessed a lot of violence on the streets. My automatic response to danger is to this day ‘flight’. The […]

Shanley July 6, 2025

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Addiction

Fear (Live typing)

Today started off well this morning, I woke up two hours prior to my 8am alarm. I felt cold and was planning on putting my couch to five k off for yet another week. I didn’t, I pushed myself to begin running. I had a beautiful stretch after completing the Just Run app task of the day. I felt empowered, both mentally and physically strong. I rang my Mother to open her door, I was going to my weekly coffee and chit chat. As I walked to my Mum’s I bumped into an old acquaintance. He once tried taking over my house, now he is currently trying to do the same to a seventy years odd vulnerable neighbour. It brought me back to a time I felt imprisoned in my own home. Today I will feel imprisoned yet again. Will […]

Shanley July 6, 2025

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