CM Athy: Resentments (Flashback)

Today was fine, not much to report, I can see my blog taking a nosedive as just fine becomes the new norm. I didn’t pick up a drink or have a gamble today, that’s what counts. Last night I finally identified myself as an addict, not just an alcoholic. One of the group wanted me to go for a pint, how tempting it was. I fantasized and toyed with idea for a while, luckily I was able to ‘play the tape forward’. I would have ended in a week, maybe even a month-long binge fuelled by shame and guilt. I’m getting very little exercise here, it may be something I need to look at. By December I hope to be mentally and physically fit for work again. In gambling we spoke about our Higher Power. I realised I resented God for some time. I resented him for the faithful and unfaithful departed, I resented him for my car crash of a life and I also resented him for creating me as an alcoholic. As I dug deeper this resent was actually just me not taking responsibility. I am responsible for the actions I take and the way I have chosen to live my life to date. It got me thinking of the grateful alcoholic. I too can be a grateful alcoholic one day. One that enjoys life to the fullest. One who serves others and one with an immortal gratitude.

In the group we spoke about living a double life. I have put so many masks on through the years I don’t know who I am anymore. We spoke about how distorted our goals and values are in addiction. I was blessed that I with a clear bet free head was able to redefine my values. They include ‘doing good by others’, ‘living an independent and honest life’ and ‘being a disciple to my family and myself’. I think if I could stick to these simple values I could live a very content life.