Depression and I

Growing up middle class next to a housing estate has had an effect on me. I always wanted more and blamed my circumstances for not getting it. Yet I was never really ready to work hard to achieve my dreams. I went to a relatively wealthy primary and secondary school and constantly compared myself to others. I was never happy with what I had. I had Family, my health, love and much more growing up but I never appreciated it. Lately I’ve been working on a gratitude list. Redemption is what I’m grateful for today. I have this opportunity to turn my life around. To show love to those who loved, to become a disciple to my body & mind where I neglected it before. I even have the opportunity to give to my family rather than take. My life hasn’t always been this positive however. I suffer from depression, it generally climaxes with a suicide attempt or self-harm. I believe depression to be a progressive disease, like alcohol for me it gets worse as the years go on. I’m learning lately to work with it rather than against it. I have and have had high levels of anxiety throughout my life too. The elephant in the room is my gambling and alcoholism. They added fuel to the fire. Other things that added fuel to the fire are emotions including sadness, guilt and shame. Anger was fuel too, I’m only lately discovering this out. I live in a black and white world of extreme highs and lows. I have no balance or middle path in my life where I need it most. Generally I fill my day either regretting the past or coming up with wild visions of the future. One day I could be plotting to take over the world and the next day I could be planning my funeral. Extreme highs and lows have dictated my life, not giving me the opportunity to enjoy life as it is. My social worker and psychiatric team often compare me to a mind reader. I suffer from panic attacks too and can be very irrational. This is the one thing standing between me and finishing this program. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is against me. I need to prepare now for these outcomes and employ techniques such as breathing exercises, STOPP (This reminds me, I need to download the STOPP app again.) and taking a helicopter view of myself. I need to allow myself to breathe in positive energy and breathe out toxic energy. If I can manage these highs and lows today, manage the daily fear and anxiety, I can learn to adopt these principles on a daily basis.