CM Athy: BPD? Am I Inferior?

It is Mittwoch, midweek. Interesting morning so far. I spoke openly about how much of a loner I am both inside and outside of addiction. My psychiatric team would diagnose me with Borderline Personality Disorder, personally I just don’t know. I’ve created a safe shell out of the past twenty years and it’s hard to get out of. My councillor today spoke about how I may feel inferior and may have a fear of connecting with others. It definitely did me no favours and I would view it as a negative characteristic to have. I suppose on the other hand in order to make friendships with others I need to make friends with myself first. They say addiction is something that bubbles up from disconnection. I’ve disconnected myself from friends, family & society. Sometimes I blame my medication for this but it comes from me really, Maybe I’m afraid of connection as suggested to me today. When a person walks into an AA, GA, NA or CA meeting for the first time they are considered the most important person in the room. One of the first slogans you see is ‘Your are not alone’. I’ve always felt alone in addiction. I have felt alone in addiction too. I never connected with others in AA, maybe that’s been my downfall. I can’t even comprehend how to go about connecting with other people yet.

I have very itchy feet today, I can see it right in front of me too. I’ve done it so many times before. Just made a split decision to leave and was always too proud to go back on my choice. I’ve often been told to sleep on it but I wouldn’t budge. It’s insane, I expect to leave here and expect different results. Another thing I need to learn is to sit with myself. I’m constantly distracting myself, even through writing. Today is my day off from work so I have a void of about 4.5 hours to fill. My anxiety is unusually high today, the next thing I want to do is check my bank account and finances. I’m concerned that my electricity yet again will be shut off. Really what I need right now is to accept the things I cannot change (Source: AA, Serenity Prayer) and remind myself that today I have both mental and physical health. That today nobody is concerned or worried about me and my welfare. Even if I was to leave I would regret it so so much.