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Addiction

Living Amends

Amends. I cringe at the thought. There are so many amends I need to make I don’t know where to begin. I’ve stolen, conned people out of money, begged, taken advantage of people, taken up a lot of police, ambulance and hospital time and the list goes on, I nearly forgot about how I have shown no respect to other tenants in my building. They say in AA it’s important to ‘clean house’. If I was to clean house it would be the equivalent of cleaning a ten bedroom mansion set on fifty acres of land. I need to accept who I am today. I’m not a bad person, I just really struggle with addiction. It consumes me. I have no care in the world as long as I get my drink or gamble. I’m beginning to look at things […]

Shanley June 26, 2025

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Addiction

It’s been a while, I’m still failing at life. (Live Typing)

Where do I begin? It’s only 7am and I have managed to spend my whole paycheck since 5.30 this morning, the gambling is still very real. And what will follow? Lies. Internally I’m in bits, I’m not sure how I cope anymore. Without this blog to share my honest feelings I would seriously consider killing myself. My rent and ESB will go unpaid this week, I don’t even know where to reach out to. GA is probably a good place to start. Again I budgeted for a small gamble this week and ended up losing everything. There isn’t even an option to ban myself from the website that is slowly killing me. I’m only five days sober from alcohol too. What happens to me over the next week will determine my future forever. I may not even be in a […]

Shanley July 15, 2023

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Fast Forward

Three days on, it’s time to reflect (Live Typing)

It’s Tuesday, thankfully I haven’t had a drink or gamble since Saturday, it has given me the opportunity to evaluate what went wrong for me. There are plenty of things that went wrong. What strikes me the most is how unmanageable the gamble made my life, it was only then that I decided to pick up a drink. I believe I have been deflecting too, this website is a huge distraction tool I have, maybe I have been abusing it. I still look for ways to distract myself, applying for jobs seems to be my new obsession but I genuinely feel I cannot continue to maintain my apartment on €242 a week.   Another area I need to look at is self-sabotage, for some reason I was willing to put myself in the crosshairs of services such as the guards […]

Shanley July 15, 2023

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Addiction

My Slippery, Slippery Life (Live Typing)

Ooops, I did it again. On Saturday I went into Dunnes for a portion of Coleslaw, I left with two bottles of beer instead. I clearly wasn’t on guard. I saw it coming, I even spoke in previous posts about the beginning of the end. I had a gamble and drank on Saturday. They would say in AA the drink after the relapse, truthfully my relapse began last Wednesday, I simply didn’t pick up the drink or betting slip until Saturday. The result was yet another hospitalization, guards calling to my door and me feeling humiliated. Alcoholism and gambling won the fight yet again. Now it’s time for me to pick up where I left off, whether that's in sobriety or back as the village drunk I don’t know. One thing I know is this website will not be the […]

Shanley July 15, 2023

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Addiction

I can’t live like this (Live Typing)

I’m constantly in fear, I see no way out. The receptors in my brain are fucked. I worry everyday. It’s ironic that I can be so fearful of being murdered or stabbed yet I don’t fear suicide. My head isn’t well, but whom do I turn to? This is no way to live, sobriety is to be enjoyed. I am responsible for these suicidal fearful feelings, I brought people back to my house in addiction. It’s on me. I thought I was doing well this morning going to my meeting, however I don’t feel so good now. I don’t want to pick up a drink but the only two exits I can see on the roundabout are taking my life or picking up a drink. I don’t feel like picking up a drink. This is mental torture. I don’t know […]

Shanley July 7, 2023

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Addiction

I’m a hypocrite continued (Live Typing)

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed, feeling like I had a new start in life. Last night I did everything in my power to self loath. I watched porn again and binged on food, two things I can’t afford to do in recovery. I took my medication early too and cancelled any meetings I had such as my usual coffee morning. My mood was seriously altered, I must consider gambling to be a mind altering substance. Gambling being the substance. It changes me. I woke up and rang my Mum this morning offering her over for a coffee, I knew I couldn’t allow my routine to slip. I ended up getting a bailout of fifty five euro from her. I paid for my broadband, I’m punishing myself enough and didn’t see the point of torturing myself for weeks. I […]

Shanley July 5, 2023

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Addiction

Fast Forward / As For Today

It’s safe to say it’s been a long time since I enjoyed a drink or drug. I still allow myself a small gamble on a Saturday, I’m by no means perfect. Over the last five years my mental health has deteriorated significantly, I have become Galway’s answer to the boy who cried wolf. I’ve had some suicide attempts over the last ten years, some serious but a lot wouldn’t have been. I’ve self-harmed too. I have a dangerous obsession with suicide and it does be at its worse when I’m drinking. I’m constantly gambling with my life. The truth is I’ve tried living and it’s just not for me. Not living in addiction anyways. I’m willing at present to learn how to live sober. I’m a burden to A&E, MHU and ambulances. They have always been very friendly, approachable and […]

Shanley July 3, 2023

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Addiction

My Story Continued

To this day my biggest regret is becoming a blackout drinker. One incident in particular haunts me to this day. I went drinking with my friend Eoin, whom I knew from the hospitality sector and was introduced to by another friend. I knew he was a fellow alcoholic so drinking with him for the evening was a great idea at the time. I can vaguely remember drinking in three pubs, we took shots, had pints, tipped the staff and had the craic. I believe it was my payday, the only day of the week I could afford to be pub drinking. In the last pub money was getting tight and regretfully I believe I suggested we go for cans. All I can remember from then was getting the knock on the door two days later. Eoin had not reported to […]

Shanley July 3, 2023

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Addiction

Back once again with the renegade master. (Live Typing)

I’m back to square one yet again. My gambling and alcoholism has consumed my life for the past few months. I’m lucky enough to be one week sober again. The fog has lifted a bit and I’m beginning to see that my relapses are getting more frequent and my sobriety is getting less. I’m in a worrying place. I can see now why they call it a progressive disease. The shame gets worse, the anxiety and fears of life. The carelessness. I’ve always given everything in life about seventy to eighty percent of an effort. This is a trait from my teens, I didn’t even bother to show up to about thirty percent of my leaving cert exams. Even this website today doesn’t get my full attention. I had targeted to write fifty pages of articles and have stalled for […]

Shanley June 27, 2023

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