I can’t live like this (Live Typing)

I’m constantly in fear, I see no way out. The receptors in my brain are fucked. I worry everyday. It’s ironic that I can be so fearful of being murdered or stabbed yet I don’t fear suicide. My head isn’t well, but whom do I turn to? This is no way to live, sobriety is to be enjoyed. I am responsible for these suicidal fearful feelings, I brought people back to my house in addiction. It’s on me. I thought I was doing well this morning going to my meeting, however I don’t feel so good now. I don’t want to pick up a drink but the only two exits I can see on the roundabout are taking my life or picking up a drink. I don’t feel like picking up a drink. This is mental torture. I don’t know what to do. Sobriety is meant to be about having a life worth living yet all I’m doing is building a fortress. I’ve always been good at building walls, walls of communication mainly. There are too many warning signals being sent to my brain. It’s only two PM. I have three hours before I can take some quetiapine and have to wait six for my Olanzapine. I’m unsure whether or not I can win this battle. I’m sober nearly two weeks from alcohol at least, I should reach out to my mental health team yet I won’t. I will suffer in silence today. I’m fighting off the urge to self-harm.