My Slippery, Slippery Life (Live Typing)

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Ooops, I did it again. On Saturday I went into Dunnes for a portion of Coleslaw, I left with two bottles of beer instead. I clearly wasn’t on guard. I saw it coming, I even spoke in previous posts about the beginning of the end. I had a gamble and drank on Saturday. They would say in AA the drink after the relapse, truthfully my relapse began last Wednesday, I simply didn’t pick up the drink or betting slip until Saturday. The result was yet another hospitalization, guards calling to my door and me feeling humiliated. Alcoholism and gambling won the fight yet again. Now it’s time for me to pick up where I left off, whether that’s in sobriety or back as the village drunk I don’t know. One thing I know is this website will not be the fairytale success story I envisioned. 

All I can hope for today is that the slips get less and less. Not including the days leading up to Saturday my relapse only lasted about fifteen hours. There is still hope for me yet part of me just wants to give up, I’ve even made plans to meet a fellow alcoholic today, that will only go one way. I need to get back to recovery basics, I’m already planning in my head to avoid the embarrassment of returning to meetings with the news that I’ve relapsed, yet again. There are positives to take from this relapse, I didn’t kill myself nor did I allow anybody back to my castle. The negatives include not being able to look in the mirror. How can I be looking for a job or even an interview when I can’t even stomach looking at myself? I don’t know, I do know that the decisions I make today will have either a positive or negative affect on tomorrow. It will impact my whole week.

My anxiety is back, I’m fearful of my phone ringing? What damage have I done that I’m not yet aware o0f? I’ve been avoiding Housing First all weekend so I will inevitably have to pick up the phone to them. I will need to be totally honest with them too if I’m to ride this new storm that nobody but I created. I’m on the edge of a serious relapse at present, do I want a repeat of Saturday just gone? I’m in no doubt I’ll be back in town begging for a drink, I’ll also be back in a cell or hospital bed too. I don’t know how much longer I can do this for, my life can’t continue this way. My answer to anybody to date who asked the million euros question ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ was never an alcoholic or compulsive gambler yet this is what I choose to be time and time again. I never set out to be like this.

Today is forecast to be a horrible day, rain is almost but promised. Yet all I have an urge to do is roam the streets with not a care in the world. It’s time for me to dust off these feelings. I can recover. I can do better. I don’t need to pick up a drink today yet this is a probable outcome. I have a fellow alcoholic friend who wants to call over, this I have no doubt will only end up one way. I’m powerless. Hopefully I can make it through the day, I’d like to go to Recovery College tomorrow evening regardless. My only hope now is to get some interest from my CV, this may spark another recovery in me but only time will tell. I have approx five hours to change my life. The decisions I choose will direct me in two ways, a phone call to CM Bruree or a life of slips and addiction. I don’t know. I’m neglecting my goals in life, I need to be willing to work on my recovery. It’s back to basics for me, I will go and brush my teeth, wash my dishes and have a shower. Hopefully this spurs me on to do the next right thing.

I have showered, shaved and done some cleaning. I would love to say this has helped me build up the confidence to say no to a drink today but it hasn’t. It’s inevitable I have a drink, again it’s down to the choices I made. I chose to agree to meet my alcoholic friend, I’m struggling to find contentment outside of addiction. I’m refreshing my gmail every few minutes praying for a bit of light at the end of the tunnel, I still believe I’m ready to return to employment. That is if I don’t continue on an alcohol and gambling fueled trajectory that I find myself on. I know I’m looking for means to help with my addictions but the truth is I’m not ready for the inward journey that recovery takes. I need a chance to reset and see what I can do to bring me happiness, waiting for the one pm cocktail just doesn’t do it for me anymore. Looking for work has become part of my daily self-loathing. Scrolling endlessly at jobs that I consider myself not good enough for.

The Urges have Passed. It’s two pm, and I’m still sober. I’ve even turned down an invitation to drink with a friend of mine. My anxiety is subsiding yet again. I’m still endlessly refreshing the local jobs pages but I will consider today a success. The first day of my new recovery starts today, check back soon to be impressed!