CM Athy Weekender (Flashback)

It’s Friyay, the weekends here are slightly less hectic and I’m looking forward to the break. In previous treatments I hated the weekends as they dragged on. Statistically I’m more prone to leaving on the weekend too so I need to stay on guard. It doesn’t help that my payday is on a Saturday either. I was sick again today. My chest infection is getting slightly better but I had an uncontrollable bout of heartburn. This time unlike previous treatments I asked the nurses for help, they obliged with some Gaviscon. It didn’t really work but I could take a lot of positives from asking. Usually I’d suffer in silence. I have some sort of false pride which prevents me from asking for help even when I need it most. Part of me thinks I’m not good enough for the help of others. I need to drill it into me mentally that I cannot do this program and/or recovery alone. The foundations of recovery are built on sharing with each other one day at a time. I have a lot of knowledge I can pass on to others. I have a lot of knowledge I can learn from others too. I’ve just come from a ‘Steps’ meeting. The speaker spoke about the importance of aftercare, A.A and working on the Steps. I need to remind myself daily that I’m powerless over alcohol, drugs and gambling. He also spoke about how little he has been in touch with his old drinking acquaintances. It reminded me of my time in the mental health unit. The only visitor I got was my Mum and I got very little phone calls of concern from people. Nobody in most of the circles of acquaintances I kept for years give a fuck about me really. Especially when I’m not drinking. All most acquaintances wanted was to turn my home into a squat. I need to work on choosing better friends when I leave here. (Something I believe I actually stuck to) I’m leaving here a loner but have great opportunities to connect with fellow alcoholics and gamblers through the rooms of Smart Recovery, A.A and G.A. I also need to value and prioritise my family more, they have supported me more than I deserve, now it is my time to be of service to them.

I made it to Saturday, I’m anxious as I know today is my payday. Today and Sunday are the two days I could leave without any financial insecurities. I have a slight urge in me to self-sabotage. All that is keeping me from running is knowing I won’t make it any further than the off licence in Athy. I’d be back on the roundabout that has been my life to date. (Little did I know a few weeks later this would end up happening.) I need to remind myself that this day last week I was in Detox, progress is being made. I’m still a bit of a loner, others seem to have social skills I could only dream of. To enable the social skills deep inside me I would need to pick up a drink and that is not an option for me. I have always felt alone like a snail quivering into his shell. I have mental health challenges too, or so I believe. I’ve never been sober long enough for any sort of diagnosis. I started reading today, Niall Breslin’s “Me and my mate Jeffrey”. I could relate so far to his isolation, having high levels of fear and living in fantasies. I have often pictured myself as a prominent businessman. When I was younger all I ever wanted was to own my own chain of pubs. One thing that crossed my mind is I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never had enough confidence. My anxiety would take over and would always surrender to feelings of inadequacy. The only time I felt confident was when I was drinking or working as a barman. One of the main reasons I was confident as a barman is because I was told from a young age “Never bring my problems to work”. Drinking and work became my identity. Later the gambling would take hold. I’ve never really lived, I’ve never been able to save money and experience what life has to offer. Any opportunity I was handed to travel I surrendered to the closest Irish bar in the vicinity. I cannot regret the past nor shut the door on it. All I can do now is think of how much I could have in the present if I choose to live sober. I could have my first relationship, my first holiday or my first career. I could learn and continue to write. The opportunities are endless. My current goals include becoming self-employed and less of a burden of the department of social protection. I have a website called sober.ie that I would like to launch. Its slogan is “Happy Living”. In order to live happily there are many things I need to work on. I need to be humble and show gratitude for what I do have. I also need to stop comparing myself to others, I am no lesser or better than anybody else. I also need to see the goodness in me, have compassion for others and be willing to change. Willingness and a lack of willingness has proved a big part in my downfall and destruction. It has also been suggested by my psychiatric team that I need to be more willing. I’m prone to hitting the self destruct button too that I need to be cautious of.  The tension in the house today is higher than usual, people have too much time to think. Today I’m choosing happy living yet yesterday was a different story. I found myself binging on food to find some comfort in my recovery. I know now that it was the art of distraction (I often wonder if this website is just me deflecting my true self), distracting myself from myself. I can become dependent too. I became dependent on Abbey House, The Fairgreen and Housing First. I say I want my independence yet I rely on homeless and psychiatric teams to help me function. I rely on my Mum and eldest brother to help me function financially too. I seek out escapism in many forms. Alcohol, Drugs, Gambling, Porn, Self Sabotage, Chaos, Work, Writing, Food, Coffee and now transcribing this journal. I would love to know what lies underneath this excessiveness. I need to choose moderation, ‘the middle path’ as I would be taught in DBT. I can oversleep and need to learn some more self discipline too. 6am – 7am is my new target as a wake up time. Hopefully I can continue to achieve this in the near future.