I’m a hypocrite continued (Live Typing)

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I woke up this morning feeling refreshed, feeling like I had a new start in life. Last night I did everything in my power to self loath. I watched porn again and binged on food, two things I can’t afford to do in recovery. I took my medication early too and cancelled any meetings I had such as my usual coffee morning. My mood was seriously altered, I must consider gambling to be a mind altering substance. Gambling being the substance. It changes me. I woke up and rang my Mum this morning offering her over for a coffee, I knew I couldn’t allow my routine to slip. I ended up getting a bailout of fifty five euro from her. I paid for my broadband, I’m punishing myself enough and didn’t see the point of torturing myself for weeks. I also got fifteen euros to do a lucky 15, the gambling hasn’t stopped. It got me thinking of how lucky I am to have family, most people I know through the homeless system aren’t that lucky. I don’t know how they survive to be honest. It’s time for me to become a more integral part of the family. If I respect them in any way shape or form I should be able to get the basics right, something as simple as paying my own bills. I’m good at paying back loans from them but I find myself only in contact with them when I need something. I would love to connect with them at a new level and have genuine care for how their week went. Have them look forward to my contact buzzing on their phone. I have a lot of work to do. My bet is already a loser but luckily it will only be fifteen euros that I’m losing today. Gamban is a tool I have used before to stop gambling, people in Smart Recovery swear by it. I, of course, had to find a way to break how it works. If you subscribe to a monthly subscription you can simply not pay your bill and you will have access to online gambling again. I need to subscribe to the annual service that should shut down online gambling on my devices. I’m only lately seeing the lengths I will go to for a gamble, for escapism. This has to stop. Is harm reduction actually an option for me? Anyways I’m going to sit and watch the horse racing today, I have no money to gamble and my lucky 15 isn’t looking too healthy. One thing I can take from today is my honesty. I couldn’t lie to my Mum anymore, I told her the truth that I was in the position of not being able to afford a gamble due to my gambling. In the past I’d blame my ESB bill or something. I may not be sober today but I can safely say I’m an honest person today and long may it continue.

My day is nearly over, I’ve had a few winners on the gg’s but I’m still without enough tobacco for the week. I don’t feel as much guilt however. Today in theory has only cost me fifteen euros in comparison to one hundred and fifty euros yesterday. Now it’s time to become present again. I’ve one last shot on Starburst, I know already I’m going to lose everything. What’s creeping into my mind now is the fact that I can gamble when it comes to horses. Horse racing has never brought me on emotional roller coasters such as Starburst. My anxiety is high, I fear people coming to my house. Maybe this is why I try to escape my own mind so much, maybe this is just the anecdote I tell myself to keep my gambling dreams alive. It’s been two days since there was a knock on my door. I should be feeling safe by now but I don’t. Time, recovery needs time. As long as I don’t pick up a drink today I’ll be happy. I need to learn to live with my anxiety, not against it. Bressie would write in his book about becoming friends with his depression, why can I not become friends with my anxiety?  And that’s a wrap, I lost all my money yet again. I can’t live like this, If the horses are going to trigger the slots what is the point? My dreams of launching this website have been put back again. I’ll never get to launch if I continue to gamble. I need to try another way. I’m losing the mental battle I have with myself. I’m for real now, my sober day starts tomorrow. I cannot afford to put my mental state through this anymore. I had planned (budgeted) for a lucky 15 next week, now I think I will postpone. I’m going to try saving. Saving for this website, saving for a rainy day. One thing I’m hoping to do is install CCTV in my house to relieve some of my anxiety. I’d like to afford Gamban on an annual basis too, the truth is I can’t even afford a haircut at the minute. I won’t even be able to afford that if I continue to gamble. All I want now is some peace of mind, something I won’t find in the Racing Post or on a betting slip.