{"id":1194,"date":"2023-07-15T17:07:11","date_gmt":"2023-07-15T16:07:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sober.ie\/?p=1194"},"modified":"2025-07-15T18:09:28","modified_gmt":"2025-07-15T17:09:28","slug":"its-been-a-while-im-still-failing-at-life-live-typing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sober.ie\/index.php\/2023\/07\/15\/its-been-a-while-im-still-failing-at-life-live-typing\/","title":{"rendered":"It\u2019s been a while, I\u2019m still failing at life. (Live Typing)"},"content":{"rendered":"<span class=\"span-reading-time rt-reading-time\" style=\"display: block;\"><span class=\"rt-label rt-prefix\">Reading Time: <\/span> <span class=\"rt-time\"> 4<\/span> <span class=\"rt-label rt-postfix\">minutes<\/span><\/span><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Where do I begin? It\u2019s only 7am and I have managed to spend my whole paycheck since 5.30 this morning, the gambling is still very real. And what will follow? Lies. Internally I\u2019m in bits, I\u2019m not sure how I cope anymore. Without this blog to share my honest feelings I would seriously consider killing myself. My rent and ESB will go unpaid this week, I don\u2019t even know where to reach out to. GA is probably a good place to start. Again I budgeted for a small gamble this week and ended up losing everything. There isn\u2019t even an option to ban myself from the website that is slowly killing me. I\u2019m only five days sober from alcohol too. What happens to me over the next week will determine my future forever. I may not even be in a position to work on this website anymore, I\u2019m considering selling my laptop. I could spend the day self-loathing but I just don\u2019t have it in me anymore. I don\u2019t want to but I\u2019m going to have to start lying to those I claim to love again. Tell them my payment never came through, they deserve better. If I can\u2019t do recovery for myself why can\u2019t I do it for those I claim to love?<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To say I\u2019m fucked would be an understatement, It\u2019s been weeks since I made a rent payment. I\u2019m glaring around my sitting room to see what I could pawn, at this stage there is very little. This cannot continue. I could give tranquility to a lot of people if only I had the balls to actually go through with killing myself. I have no exit strategy, I think linking in with my old GA group would be a good place to start. I\u2019m a ball of mixed emotions at the minute. Right now I find gambling worse than alcoholism, I never would have been able to drink my way through two hundred euros in less than two hours. The strong emotions I get from gambling are a lot more mind altering than alcoholism too. I\u2019ve burned most of my bridges at this stage, I don\u2019t even want to ask anyone for money anymore. There are not many who would give it to me anymore anyways. Everybody knows that I\u2019m fond of a few horses, little to they know it\u2019s the virtual slot machines that are killing me. I don\u2019t know where to turn to anymore. Cuan Mhuire won\u2019t accept me as I cannot manage to finish the full twelve weeks. This is an inward journey I need to take towards sobriety, one where I need to get to the root of what causes me to be so stupid. There is nowhere I can escape or run to anymore.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">My lies worked, I\u2019ve been given a loan of \u20ac100. I have no idea how I\u2019m going to pay for it however. All the bald lies will catch up with me next week too. There is a cost to gambling, I will have to avoid my family for the next week and try to include them in next week&#8217;s budget. Who loses out? Me. It\u2019s the only bit of connection bar my key worker that I get every week when I\u2019m sober. Now I have nobody, they will probably think I\u2019m back drinking when I don\u2019t answer my door over the week. They lose out too, they lose out in their peace of mind. I like to think I\u2019m selfless but this couldn\u2019t be further from the truth. In addiction, gambling or drink I am a selfish individual. I don\u2019t deserve the support I have today. My ESB is yet again in bits, my next bill is on the 27th five days from now. I have not yet saved a cent towards it. Suicide is still an option. I\u2019m in court this week too, ironically for wanting to jump off a bridge in Galway. I need to accept that my life is unmanageable. Gambling has made my life unmanageable, drinking has not helped either. I have two payments to try and make up \u20ac400, I\u2019ll be lucky if I manage to hold on to \u20ac260. I don\u2019t know how I\u2019m going to manage this next few weeks, hopefully I can at least stay sober for it all. That should be the minimum standard I set myself. So many budgets in my head, should I avoid my hosting bill, stop smoking or sell my laptop. These are all decisions I\u2019m going to have to make over the next week. I need to remind myself to try my best to keep it in the day. We only have twenty four hours and this twenty four hours doesn\u2019t seem too bad, my rent is paid, I have food in the fridge and my home is safe. I need acceptance too, I need to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change how much my bill is going to cost, I can only deal with it when I receive it. Besides, I might be in jail by Thursday so what is the point of worrying about things that are out of my control. I should try to enjoy the next few days as if they are my last.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I lost my phone on my last binge, not having a phone as a go to for escapism is really starting to get to me. I am catastrophizing a lot. I need to calm down. This week is going to be a long one. I need to remind myself that the worst thing that can happen to me over the week is either my electricity is cut off in three weeks time or I end up in jail. Both scenarios are manageable. I know a good few in jail at this stage, I also could go a few weeks with no electricity too. The chances of me getting prison too are slim. Sobriety is what the week ahead needs to be about. Keeping myself within a fighting chance of being able to finally conquer addiction. I have great hope for this website too, I believe it will become a power greater than myself. I need to set some SMART goals for the week. Stay sober is goal number one, getting a \u2018fit to return to work\u2019 certificate is goal number two. Making myself presentable for court on Wednesday is goal number three. The rest can wait. With that I\u2019ll sign off for now, see you in the next chapter. Shanley.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p><span class=\"span-reading-time rt-reading-time\" style=\"display: block;\"><span class=\"rt-label rt-prefix\">Reading Time: <\/span> <span class=\"rt-time\"> 4<\/span> <span class=\"rt-label rt-postfix\">minutes<\/span><\/span>Where do I begin? It\u2019s only 7am and I have managed to spend my whole paycheck since 5.30 this morning, the gambling is still very real. And what will follow? Lies. Internally I\u2019m in bits, I\u2019m not sure how I cope anymore. Without this blog to share my honest feelings ...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":930,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[60,61,50,63],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1194","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-addiction","category-fastforward","category-livetyping","category-mentalhealth"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.3 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>It\u2019s been a while, I\u2019m still failing at life. (Live Typing) - Sober.ie V1.3<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Escapism is really starting to get to me. I am catastrophizing a lot. I need to calm down. 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