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My Story

Where do I start? My first memories of my childhood are ones of being a thief. I was the youngest sibling of five and was spoilt, I’m spoilt to this day. My memories of stealing include stealing money from my brother for premier league stickers and one time I really hurt my Mother by stealing my uncle’s phone on a visit to his home. When my family stopped holding cash because of me I would steal from their credit cards. To this day I don’t know how they haven’t disowned me. When I became homeless I never had to steal again, If I did I would have been beaten up. I found it easier to beg for two euro than to steal anyways. I found primary school very hard, I would put a brave face on yet I struggled with […]

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“I’m a thirty five year old child.”

My primary purpose for coming to Cuan Mhuire is to grow up. To learn to grow up. If I manage to get some sobriety in the real world that would come as a bonus. I would be very grateful to get it this time. I have been spoilt my whole life. Spoiled both my family and homeless services too. It has come at a great cost though. I rely on others a lot and have had to compromise my independence. Not that I wanted independence when I was drinking or gambling. I am very fortunate to be given an apartment through Housing First at thirty five. I am also very fortunate that to my knowledge I haven’t lost it…yet. Whenever I pick up a drink all my self respect goes out the window. I have no limits or boundaries when […]

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“I just want ‘one’ more”

In two more days I’ll be three weeks sober. As I write this I realise I’m lying to myself. My last gamble was Saturday therefore Sunday is my real sober day and today is only Wednesday. Addiction comes in many shapes and sizes. For me my core addictions are Self-Sabotage, Alcohol, Chaos, Drama, Gambling, Porn and many others I take for granted. Maybe I’m addicted to attention too. I’m writing this from Cuan Mhuire, Athy. I spent the guts of two and a half weeks in the Acute Adult Mental Health Unit prior to this. I’m here because my life has become completely unmanageable. I’m struggling at present to connect with others in the same boat as me. I often wonder if I am on too much or too little prescribed medication. I fear daily that I won’t be accepted […]

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My fifty pages (Live Typing)

I’m crippled with urges and anxiety today. Usually I’d be within two weeks of sobriety. I would still be in the honeymoon phase. I don’t feel that today. I’ve been fantasizing about Linden Village all day. I went for a walk (which reminds me I need to talk about balance), I went to an AA meeting yet I’m still full of compulsiveness. I masterbated (something which I’m trying to cut down), I had a gamble too. I have done everything in my power to distract myself from the demon that is alcohol. It ruins my life yet it is my comfort zone. All the positives of the week could come to an abrupt end today. The urges are winning, If I had money I’d be drinking by now. I spoke at the meeting today about how I’m in court Monday […]

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Fake it til you make it (Live Typing)

I’m a week sober. It’s been a challenging time. I have done a lot of cleaning, not only my apartment but the destruction I created in addiction. I attended two meetings today, one meeting was my relapse prevention group and the other was an AA meeting. I spoke at both too, usually I quiver in the corner and let everybody else say their piece. Not this time though, what I’m taking from today is sometimes you need to fake it until you make it. I have no regrets as to what I said or if I offended others. I was present at both meetings for myself and myself only. The RPG was a great introduction back to meetings for me. We spoke about gratitude. Today I’m grateful that I will always have a roof over my head. Even if I’m […]

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Imaginative Function

This is a phrase I learned from my many visits to Cuan Mhuire Residential Treatments. I’m a dreamer, I think big. I think I’m exposed to this trait significantly due to my gambling addiction. I’m always thinking of next week's win which never comes. I fantasize a lot, even this website is a fantasy in it’s own right. Without putting the work in I envision it to be a huge success. Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. In addiction we are always imagining a world beyond our wildest dreams yet in my case I’m just a bum sitting in a park getting wasted. I can’t see beyond the fog around me that addiction has created.   Abstaining from imaginative function is the equivalent of living in the real world. Life will be shit, it will throw you curveballs. Life isn’t […]

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Make it easy

I’m a very analytical human being, it can be my downfall at times. I have often in the past gone to a meeting a day early just to time myself so I was prepared for the following day's meeting. I could break down everything into intervals. That’s probably why I’m so happy with my new pay as you go meter. It gives me fifteen minute intervals of my electricity. In recent days I have planned my recovery down to a tee. I have made new weekly budgets and built a calendar of my day to day plans.   In Atomic Habits I learned about making things easy. There are people out there who go to sleep in their running gear so all they have to do is jump out of bed, put their runners on and they're ready to go. […]

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Golden Nuggets

Meetings are one of the main keys to recovery. Recovery is a learning process, I have lost count of the amount of times I tried to drink or gamble ‘differently’. One thing that stands out for me is hearing at a meeting all you have to do is keep coming back. Being in an environment with people experiencing similar emotions and experiences to you can be invaluable. A lot of my writing has come directly from the mouth of others at meetings. Listening is key too. That’s why I will be taking a hiatus tomorrow and not speaking. I’m there to listen for now. My story will come in time, now isn’t the time. It's a very early recovery for me. A few months ago I was at my Relapse Prevention Group and a man shared that ‘yesterday's shower won't […]

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Guilty Pleasures

We all have them. Remember, recovery is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. Personally I’m on a journey of finding things that interest me and make life that little bit more enjoyable. In DBT they would call it ‘pleasant activities’. For me I’m currently enjoying my rollies and Coke Zero. I am yet to meet an angel in recovery. The closest I have come is being introduced to Our Lady in Cuan Mhuire. If you're gambling but not an alcoholic enjoy a pint. If you're not addicted to porn why not masterbate? You see where I’m going here, if you're an alcoholic but not addicted to gambling enjoy a game of bingo or play the lotto. A lot of it comes down to replacing bad habits with good habits. It comes down to connection too. As human beings we […]

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Active Retirement, Active Recovery

I am in awe of my Mother. She is at retirement age now yet she still works part time, she manages her own relationship in her own unique way, she spends far too much time taking care of me when I’m in addiction and still manages to go to active retirement activities such as art and pickleball. It got me thinking of recovery. Recovery to me should be the equivalent of active retirement. If I wasn’t a ball of anxiety I’d be going to Smart Recovery. They host meetings and go beyond. They have activities for people in addiction too, they go bowling, have sober lunches, have spinning classes together and I believe they even have outdoor fitness classes. At present my recovery is far from ‘active’. By next week I hope to be back yet again attempting the couch […]

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