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Addiction

New horizons full of anxiety (Live Typing)

Today is my first day of sobriety. I’m writing this to relieve some of my anxiety. I felt great freedom when I woke up this morning, no longer a slave to addiction. I listened to the radio, had a few cigarettes and copious amounts of coffee. (Yes, I’m addicted to cigarettes and coffee too)   I put some plans in place for this website about how I’m going to build it honestly, not from the winnings of gambling but by saving. I fear saving, I often fear relapse and having savings would multiply the relapse. My local shop serves me wine at eight in the morning, if I had savings I could see myself on monthly binges rather than weekly. I would continue to drink until my savings were gone, then I would turn to begging again.   I have […]

Shanley July 6, 2025

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Addiction

I’m a hypocrite (Live Typing)

I speak so much about self-discipline and today I had not an ounce of it. To date I’ve been posting about a harm reduction model when it comes to gambling. I was wrong. I’m an addict, what was I thinking? I just lost the guts of 70% of my income gambling even though I said ‘I would stick to twenty five euros.’ I feel sick, deception creeped back into my life. Luckily I bought my tobacco before I went gambling, the first thing I tried to do was pawn it off to a friend for twenty euro to try and chase my loss. I deleted the whatsapp message offering the tobacco for twenty euros and decided to write this instead. My broadband will go unpaid this week, luckily I paid my rent before gambling too. Tomorrow will be my first […]

Shanley July 5, 2025

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Addiction

“I know all my family want from me is to get sober”

It's day eleven of my program. I slept through our cleaning duties this morning. I feel groggy in the mornings. I have had my medication on my mind for a couple of days now. We had a lecture about our brains and the effects alcohol has on the brain. (If you continue to read this please remember that this lecture was given by someone with any medical education and the information provided should not be acted on without seeking proper medical advice by a professional.) It was very interesting, I hope to get some proper medical notes to publish here in the future as to how true this is or not. One thing that stood out for me was the effect medication can have on your emotions. I’m on a mix of Olanzapine, Quitiepine and Sertraline. In my case I […]

Shanley July 5, 2025

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Addiction

“Do not stumble over things behind you”

I found this quote in the memorial garden in Cuan Mhuire (CM) Athy and I could resonate a lot with it. In my first treatment in CM Coolarne I had Martin as a support worker. I was in a bad place mentally, Martin suggested ‘It might be time to throw away the stick’. I Wish I had listened to him then, if I did maybe I wouldn’t have needed another six treatments. I never finished that program and have been punishing myself ever since. I have done a lot of things I’m not proud of. I know there is goodness in me, I also know there is a small bit of evil in me too. I’ve been somewhat able to forgive myself for things I did in addiction. It’s the experiences I had growing up since I was a kid […]

Shanley July 5, 2025

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Addiction

“My new life needs self-discipline”

Today has been a good day so far. The sun is splitting the rocks yet I’m inside in my dorm writing this. I didn’t feel like reaching out to my journal today but I remembered the importance of self-discipline. The person acting the maggot in the group yesterday has improved greatly too. I’m grateful today, I’m away from all the chaos that comes with street drinking. I don’t need to worry about being bullied or taken advantage of, that in itself brings huge relief. I’m starting to add some self-care to my routine too, like brushing my teeth twice a day, something most people would take for granted. It’s insane how much my personal hygiene deteriorates in addiction. I can go weeks without washing myself. My new life needs self-discipline, I need to be a disciple to myself. (I think […]

Shanley July 4, 2025

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Addiction

To the faithful and unfaithful departed

One part of recovery I have always struggled with was finding a higher power. A power greater than myself. I was always too arrogant to seek one out. Even writing this gives me a bit of ‘God complex’. Growing up I would often go to mass, believe it or not I was an altar boy at one stage too. Having faith and hope are important tools in recovery. Luckily today I see the faithful and unfaithful departed as my Higher Power. I could do with putting it into action though. There is a lot in my mind I would love to hand over. I could do with learning to ‘Trust the process’ too. I know there is good in me but I also know there is some evil too. Sometimes I feel like a burden, afraid to ask for help […]

Shanley July 4, 2025

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Addiction

Our first daily formal meeting and authority figures

We had our first daily formal meeting today. It's safe to say that no matter what or where you are in the world there’s always one. There is one in the group giving me negative energy at present and I need to park it. He is out to ruin the next eleven weeks for everyone. I need to remind myself yet again that this is a selfish program. I cannot control others. I’m not sure if it is a gambling trait or a drinking one but I’ve always been attracted to control. I need to accept that the only thing I can control is myself. I cannot control the behaviour of anybody else. I think why today hit me so hard is because they are behaviours I would have had myself throughout my life. I struggle with authority figures a […]

Shanley July 4, 2025

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Addiction

The Effects of Alcohol on the Body

Today we were given fact sheets about the effects of alcohol on the body. It came as a bit of a shock to me how many I can relate to. In addiction these are the only three exits off the roundabout: Jails, Institutions & Death. I’m blessed not to have been given jail, Judge Mary Fahy can see some goodness in me that others can't. I’ve had my fair share of institutions too; I’ve lived on and off in homeless accommodation for about twelve years, I’ve also been admitted to the psychiatric hospital three times this year alone. I don’t fear death anymore, I’ve been so close yet so far from it for years now. To put it simply, addiction is just horrible, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Not even my ex-principal. I sometimes question why me? But this […]

Shanley July 4, 2025

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Addiction

Flashback to Cuan Mhuire Athy Day 7

It's day seven in Cuan Mhuire. I feel run down. I’m catching a cold or flu or something. I’m drained, twelve years in and out of homeless services and I never even contracted a sore throat before. It’s been a good day though. I’m more approachable now. I have been moved from the detox unit to the main residential accommodation too. It’s another step on the ladder. It’s nice to see pictures of Sr. Consilio throughout the building. She’s an inspiration. She built these residential centres throughout Ireland where addicts from all over the world can come to better themselves. One characteristic I believe I share with Sr. Consilio is having empathy. It can be my downfall too. I’m very close to losing my home because of it. I've often back brought addicts and persons unfortunate enough to be homeless […]

Shanley July 3, 2025

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Addiction

Learning to say No

I have often been jealous of others who have the ability to say no to themselves and no to others. For as long as I remember it's a trait I had, both in sobriety and addiction. I know that in order to keep what I have today I need to learn to say no. I need to learn about setting boundaries too and sticking to them. I’ve always been a yes man and it’s time to understand why. I don’t love myself and would have low self esteem. If I wasn’t sharing a room with twelve others in residential treatment I probably wouldn’t even shower. At present I struggle to even brush my teeth. My Mother never learned to say no to me until recently she is getting slightly better at it, maybe I inherited this trait from her a […]

Shanley July 3, 2025

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