Meet, Meet, Meet & Share (Live Typing)

It’s Tuesday, my morning is off to a good start. Nobody has been to my door in three days and my anxiousness feels like it’s turning a corner. Yet I still feel like I need to stay on guard and protect my castle for now. This week is RAG week in Galway, a week of celebration, fundraising and general shenanigans that come with students living in Galway. There was a time this was my favourite week of the year, I’d be out picking drinks up off the street from 10.30 until I was either arrested or brought to hospital. Donegal Tuesday is one of Ireland’s greatest piss-ups.

This year will be a paradox to previous years. I’ll attend my Relapse Prevention Group online and I’ll also attend Galway Recovery College online provided I have the courage to turn my lights on. The importance of meetings is huge, I hope to have a dedicated list of all meetings in Ireland on my website by year end provided I can stay alcohol and bet free. Meetings give you the opportunity to speak about many things such as how your week went, how your emotions are and allows you to send a message of relativity to others suffering from addiction. They talk in AA about the importance of ‘giving to receive’. Helping another addict is a core part of twelve step programmes. I would imagine it’s part of the reason I’m still sober, this website and meetings is my new medication to maintain sobriety. I will one day get to three months sobriety and be able to share in the rooms too. Who knows, If my story helps even just one person suffering in silence it would be a huge accomplishment.

I’ve always found it hard to share at meetings, my anxiety takes over and I could be planning what I’m going to say for days prior. Today I’m going to define myself as a ‘Freestyle Addict’. One that turns up to meetings without rehearsal. I’m just a human being experiencing self-growth day by day. I need to remember to be humble too. The most important skill I need in meetings is to learn to listen. There is a wealth of knowledge in the rooms of any meeting, be it AA, NA, GA, CA, Smart Recovery or LifeRing. I need to act like a sponge and consume what I’m hearing within the rooms.

Yet again I have been detained by a bout of anxiety. My mornings seem to start well and then I spiral. We spoke at our meeting about deflection and being able to sit with ourselves. I cannot sit with myself at present. Is it the copious amounts of coffee I drink? I don’t know. My fear of being broken into is alive yet again. I need to start standing up for what I have. We also spoke about gratitude being part of the foundation to any good recovery. Today I’m grateful for my family, I’m grateful for having electricity yet I’m unsure whether or not they will cut me off. I’ve been looking up ways to improve my confidence and how I can harness the power of feeling safe. Krav Maga looks interesting, a self-defence class just down the road from me. I still glare unknowingly out my kitchen window, the neighbours across the road must think I’m a pervert at this stage. 

I need to keep moving forward. I’m willing to hit my SMART goal targets and more this week. I’m also willing to give myself a forty eight hour reprieve at the weekends, it is when I get paid every week and there are many opportunists out there that are aware of this. Feeling safe in my sober life is paramount. I can happily watch Netflix two days a week in my room to achieve this.

Signing Off

It’s still Tuesday, I’m currently awaiting a Recovery College meeting at 6pm, I’m still anxious. I won’t meet my SMART goals this week, running tomorrow doesn’t feel right. Mentally I’m drained, journaling so much is consuming me. I have to take a break. I need to come back refreshed and willing to continue with this community. I have taken the decision to take a two day respite tomorrow and Thursday so I can recharge my batteries. Hopefully this all goes to plan and doesn’t end in relapse. Signing Off – Conor.