Think Positive, It’s Monday (Live Typing)

It’s the start of the week, a chance to stick to my weekly SMART goals. I woke up at about 5.30 and went for a run/walk. I’m participating in the Just Run’ Couch to 5k App. It gives me confidence, strength and most importantly my Dopamine fix. I hope to continue this pattern every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I also brushed my teeth and managed to have a shower after my exercise. Stretching in the apartment I felt strong both physically and mentally for the first time this week. I was able to take some control back for my life. I made myself accountable. I also used ‘Habit Stacking’, without going for a run the shower wouldn’t have followed. I’m struggling to wash myself some days, I’m a manic people pleaser really. If I’m due to meet someone I’ll shower prior to it for their benefit. There are not many things I do for my benefit. I need to start looking at my self care and make the correct choices with regards to it.

Recovery is a choice. I can always go back to my old way of living if I choose to. This journal is a choice too, a choice to share my experience, strength and hope to others. I have hope today, I can do this. I may be living like I have Covid at present but that will change over time. I’m looking forward to connecting with other addicts tomorrow rather than fighting against it. For now, I will be doing meetings online only until I feel a bit safer. It’s one of the greatest things that came from Covid. Online meetings open up an entire world of connection, literally. I’m grateful today that I have a broadband package, electricity (just about) and a laptop to facilitate this connection.

I still catch myself glaring out the window at the world, the world of addiction is a warzone that I’m winning today. My anxiety still sits with me, I don’t know how long it will take to feel safe and comfortable leaving the house. I got down on my knees again today, I asked for help to get through the week. When I get down on my knees it makes me feel more humble. Being humble is a characteristic I would like to keep close to my heart. I need to remind myself that I’m still struggling too, I self medicated twice over the last few days. Luckily I only had three extra Olanzapine so I was limited to how long I could continue to self medicate for. It goes to show the opportunist inside of me is alive and well, I must remain on guard. One thing I can appreciate today is that I am getting better. My anxiety is getting less and less. I’m a lot less suicidal too.