The Day I’d Walk Out – CM Athy (Reflection)

It’s Monday today. I’m a bit lost for words today. I’m struggling a lot. I’m very irritable and suffer from itchy feet too. I’m fantasizing about leaving a lot. I need to remind myself that I have played the tape forward and leaving doesn’t end well for me. I’m aware now that having no visitors this weekend played with my head. One of my defects of character is that I can be jealous of others. I want what others have. I’m lazy too, not willing to put in the work to get what others have. They say there are no shortcuts in recovery, I need to remind myself of that too. I’m in ‘fight or flight’ mode again. It’s hard to fight this time. I’ve been very honest with myself very early in the programme, possibly too soon. I need to remind myself too that the things I’m thinking about now are Step Four thinking, I’m only on Step One. Coming to accept that my life is unmanageable is where my focus should be. I’ve done things I’m not proud of but now isn’t the time to go there. This has all come to darkness because I’m so used to following the herd. If three people walked out today I’d probably follow them. I feel like I have no identity. All it took was a suggestion to meet the resident priest and I’ve been fixated on it since. Listing out my sins I have allowed evil to spur inside me once again. 

Today I will ask for help, that will be a first for me. I will fight my addiction, this past six weeks my addiction hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s been in the back of my mind doing push ups, just waiting for me to self-sabotage.

Starting a new life remains a need for me. I have everything I ever wanted today; sobriety, a home, family and friends in the rooms too. It was suggested yesterday that all I have to do with my old acquaintances is invite them to prayer or a meeting, they won’t be long running from me then. One thing I could relate a lot to in our literature today is ‘Even in a dim way to be looking forward to becoming the person deep down you always knew you could be’ 

I look forward to reaching my potential. My biggest problem at the moment is I’m trying to build a house with no foundation. My time in Cuan Mhuire is my foundation, I need to remember that.