“Play The Tape Forward” – (AA Quote) Reflection

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had thoughts of a gamble or a drink whilst here. What keeps me refrain is ‘playing the tape forward’. Hypothetically if I was to leave here today what would happen? Firstly it’s my payday so money isn’t an issue, it’s temptation. I would probably make it to the nearest off licence or pub (this would turn out to be exactly what happened). I’d have done a u-turn and be back on the roundabout of addiction. Secondly, my next of kin would be notified, My Mum. I would be creating worry within my family unit again (Again, I’m guilty of this).

Then the shame and guilt would start creeping into my life like an uncontrollable virus. I would then proceed to sleeping on the streets of Athy or end up in either a cell or hospital. (Ironically I made it as far as Dublin, I was arrested for my own safety under the mental health act and was given a referral for St. James Hospital the following morning.) The next morning I’d go for the cure before getting a train to Dublin, provided I still had money for it. I’d continue to repeat my previous night except I’d be in a new location. Eventually I’d make it back to Galway, probably suicidal at this point. (Yep you guessed it, this all came true). If I wasn’t sectioned or arrested for my own safety I’d be begging on the streets and mixing with people I no longer desire to mix with. For now, I think I’ll press pause on the tape.

Live Typing on the above:
This is the first time I have read over this part of my journal. Maybe I do have some fortune telling skills, 95% of the events above occurred three days later when I decided to leave residential treatment. Today sober, I can see how cunning and baffling addiction can be. The power my addictions have on me. My addictions were doing press ups throughout my programme waiting for me to walk out. I know the tape would be similar today, I need to be on guard and do everything in my power to protect my sobriety.