Friyay – CM Athy (Reflection)

It’s Friyay. The end of the week. I’ve made progress. I’m training my brain daily to ‘make progress, not perfection.’ (Another AA quote). Work came and went today. In the eleven a.m shift I was annoyed that not everybody showed up to work, it gave me a chance to look at myself. All I could do is my part in work therapy. Keep ‘my own side of the garden clean’. I was content after that to continue my duties. Some things in life are simply not worth using our emotions on.

It’s been a good week, I attended everything I had to, next week I hope to wake up at 5.45, continue to track my nutrition and introduce some exercise into my routine. Exercise is one thing I’m lacking peeling potatoes. When I leave in ten weeks it will be the peak season for work and I hope to be both mentally and physically fit for it. In our meetings my self esteem and pride came to light. I need to start saying good and nice things to myself, similar to affirmations. I need to build my confidence and learn to love myself so I can love others. If I loved myself today surely I wouldn’t put such chemicals as gambling and alcohol into my bloodstream. 

My pride could be an issue during my time here, I have an inability to ask for help. (I’m in a fucking treatment centre and can’t ask for help!?! It defies logic.) I came here for help and I will ask for it. It has also been suggested that I forget about my previous treatments and focus on this one, from now on that’s what I plan on doing. I focus and dwell on the past too often and this is something I need to change. It’s time for me to give myself a clean slate. Mentally I have given myself a twenty four year imprisonment. I have learnt a lot over the years and am now in a position to pass that wisdom on to others’. I will in time acknowledge my past, make amends where possible and make a fearless & moral inventory of myself as suggested in twelve step programmes. Have I suffered enough to want to recover? I do know I’ve suffered enough to warn others not to go down the same path I did. I made recovery very hard on myself when it should have been a glimmer of light to my future.