Fear (Live typing)

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Today started off well this morning, I woke up two hours prior to my 8am alarm. I felt cold and was planning on putting my couch to five k off for yet another week. I didn’t, I pushed myself to begin running. I had a beautiful stretch after completing the Just Run app task of the day. I felt empowered, both mentally and physically strong. I rang my Mother to open her door, I was going to my weekly coffee and chit chat. As I walked to my Mum’s I bumped into an old acquaintance. He once tried taking over my house, now he is currently trying to do the same to a seventy years odd vulnerable neighbour. It brought me back to a time I felt imprisoned in my own home. Today I will feel imprisoned yet again. Will they come to my door and what actions will I take? I need to get comfortable with ringing the guards in such circumstances. I won’t drink or gamble today, my situation is manageable as long as I don’t use. I feel sorry for my neighbour and have no doubt they will move on to my home eventually if I let them. I’m glad I got to go for my run this morning because it has allowed me to stay at home and protect my castle. Hopefully in time it won’t need as much protection.

Another fear I had is for this coming Saturday. (Five Days from now) The old acquaintance asked me for some money, he now knows I gambled my money. As mentioned before the homeless in Galway are quite tight knit. We all know each other’s payment days. We are cunning and willing to go to any length to get our fix. He proceeded to tell me instead of gambling I should give my money to him. Will he now be looking for me on a Saturday? Who knows, only time will tell. What excuse will I use next week if he does? Will he call me every Saturday if I give him a twenty just to get rid of him. These are all questions that will go unknown until Saturday. I hate the unknown. Today I’m useless to him, I have no money and I am sober. He may come over looking for tobacco or looking to find refuge from the streets. To be fair to him he is probably in survival mode too. At least it was a safe environment to let him see I’m sober now, his sister watched on as I told him, there was nothing he would do in front of her. The homeless and addict communities of Galway are great gossips and storytellers too. I too am guilty of these  traits too. The only positive I can take from today is word will soon spread far and beyond that I am in sobriety. Today will be an exceptionally long day: No gamble, no drink and absolutely crippled with fear.

I’ve been journaling quite a bit over the bank holiday weekend, it has definitely helped keep sober. Another thing I did today was cook. Nothing fancy but it was the first time I have cooked in a long time. It’s easy to suppress the appetite in addiction. I made a relatively healthy dinner too (it’s only 12.47 and I have my dinner cooked, I cooked it early so I can avoid being seen by my window for the evening, my anxiety is still clearly a problem). I put mushrooms, spinach and onions with brown pasta. It’s amazing something so simple to make can be such a quest in addiction. I’m looking forward to a healthy life. I should appreciate being able to cook too, it’s a part of my life that was unavailable to me in homeless services. I can now choose what I want to eat and put into my body on a daily basis.