“I know all my family want from me is to get sober”

It’s day eleven of my program. I slept through our cleaning duties this morning. I feel groggy in the mornings. I have had my medication on my mind for a couple of days now. We had a lecture about our brains and the effects alcohol has on the brain. (If you continue to read this please remember that this lecture was given by someone with any medical education and the information provided should not be acted on without seeking proper medical advice by a professional.) It was very interesting, I hope to get some proper medical notes to publish here in the future as to how true this is or not. One thing that stood out for me was the effect medication can have on your emotions. I’m on a mix of Olanzapine, Quitiepine and Sertraline. In my case I was and can be at times suicidal. My medication helps to keep me from reaching a ten in depression and taking my own life. That is the benefit of keeping me on medication. On the other scale my medication keeps me at about six when I’m happy, therefore I’ll never be able to experience happiness at ten. It’s a big sacrifice to make. My gut is telling me I should cut down on my medication, I will see a doctor on Monday and by cutting down I may be able to experience happiness as a seven or an eight. (Since writing this I actually had to go back to my original medication amount to allow me to live.)

Last night I went to my first GA meeting since being in Coolarne. It was probably the best meeting I have been at. I could relate a lot to the isolation, the shame and the guilt. What I could relate the most to was the deception, how we treated our families and never being able to be present. Lately all I have had to do is borrow money from my family but there was a time I stole. If I want something I get it, no matter who gets hurt in the process. Eventually I went on to steal their credit and debit card details. I was cunning and didn’t think of anyone but myself. I stole so much from my family, both financially and emotionally. To this day the worst thing I have stolen is their peace of mind. I continue to steal their hope. It adds to my self-hatred. It was a roundabout I could not exit for a long time. To this day I still don’t value or respect money. Of the thousands my family have supported me through this deception and paying court fines I’m yet to make a serious effort to pay them back. I hope to change that. I don’t know if I’ll ever be in a position to however. I know all my family want from me now is to get sober and hopefully this is my time to do that at the very least.