Learning to say No

I have often been jealous of others who have the ability to say no to themselves and no to others. For as long as I remember it’s a trait I had, both in sobriety and addiction. I know that in order to keep what I have today I need to learn to say no. I need to learn about setting boundaries too and sticking to them. I’ve always been a yes man and it’s time to understand why. I don’t love myself and would have low self esteem. If I wasn’t sharing a room with twelve others in residential treatment I probably wouldn’t even shower. At present I struggle to even brush my teeth. My Mother never learned to say no to me until recently she is getting slightly better at it, maybe I inherited this trait from her a bit. When I’m drunk I’m guilty of not accepting no as an answer too. I can be demanding at times. A gambling trait I have is perfectionism too. When I want things to be perfect the word ‘no’ just isn’t in my vocabulary.

Another thing I’m guilty of is people pleasing. I would give my last can of cider away rather than create a conflict. I think what it comes down to is maturity for me. I never gave myself an opportunity to mature, build self esteem or to have confidence in myself. I could also do with learning to respect my body & mind. Some days I can barely look at myself in the mirror. In Cuan Mhuire they teach you to say “I am good, I was always good. God made me good.” Slowly day by day I’m allowing this to seep in. I’m learning there is good in everybody too and having the ability to say no may allow people to respect me more too.

Today I am happy to say I can say no, no to answering my door and no to alcohol & gambling. I still live in flight mode however and avoid saying no wherever possible. Again, a lot of it comes down to priorities. As AC Trish Mullins once said to me ‘One of the biggest problems with people in addiction is they have their priorities wrong’. I too still have my priorities wrong. I still need to start putting myself first. I truly hope the day comes where I value myself as I value others. I deserve to be valued just as everybody else, when I was homeless I would often come off the footpath in order for a dog to safely navigate on the path. That’s how belittling homelessness can be. I have been told in the past about how inferior I feel, it’s an area I need to work on. If I loved myself more I think I’d build confidence in saying no to others. I still people please. Today the Housing First team are enjoying pastries from Magpie which I bought for them as a ‘Thank You’.

Another reason I inherited the ability to say no is through my lifetime in hospitality. In my time in Dubai I was trained to delete the word no from the dictionary. Everything is possible, there are other ways to say no however. These days I have a warning letter from my accommodation that I can show to people who are trying to get anything off me. Be it a can, a bed for the night or even just a chat. Today I realise I have the right to walk away from these situations.