“I’m a thirty five year old child.”

Addiction CM Athy Cuan Mhuire Homelessness My Story Reflections

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My primary purpose for coming to Cuan Mhuire is to grow up. To learn to grow up. If I manage to get some sobriety in the real world that would come as a bonus. I would be very grateful to get it this time. I have been spoilt my whole life. Spoiled both my family and homeless services too. It has come at a great cost though. I rely on others a lot and have had to compromise my independence. Not that I wanted independence when I was drinking or gambling. I am very fortunate to be given an apartment through Housing First at thirty five. I am also very fortunate that to my knowledge I haven’t lost it…yet. Whenever I pick up a drink all my self respect goes out the window. I have no limits or boundaries when drinking or gambling. I don’t value anything I have, all I care about is finding my next drink or money for a gamble. I have never given myself the space to live and act like someone who is thirty five.

Another place I need to look at is behaviours. Three areas which stand out for me are my childish behaviours, my homeless behaviours and my using behaviours. I was twelve years in the homeless system and picked up a lot of behaviours along my journey. One example that comes to mind is I have been housed yet I still act like a homeless person would. If I picked up a drink today I would go straight back to the streets drinking. I would be back socialising with other homeless friends and alcoholics. I would feel the same pain they do. When sober I have my own home, I have family supporting me and I have plenty of guidance through fellowships, my psychiatric team and Cope Galway & Galway Simon. Yet like a lightswitch I can turn on the self sabotage and lose everything in a flashlight.

Today I should be celebrating three weeks since I had a drink. Instead I feel low, unmotivated and riddled with stinking thinking & anxiety. No matter what life throws at me I can’t leave this programme. (I did leave this programme after approx four weeks) Two weeks ago I spoke to my psychiatric team quoting my addiction councillor Tom Holton “about getting off the roundabout”. The only exit I could see on the roundabout was suicide. As the fog and librium induced living lifted I could see another exit. That exit was Cuan Mhuire. I need to remind myself that I have taken that exit and must continue on this road to sobriety. ( I obviously didn’t remind myself enough) I think I could find happiness and contentment living sober. At present I do feel lonely though. I’m almost punishing myself by not being able to connect with fellow alcoholics and gamblers. I don’t understand why I’m so antisocial, So afraid to speak. I have a lot of demons in my head. I need to get them out, but to who? Where? Plenty of skeletons in the closet, I have a lot of recycling to do. Maybe it’s time to work on my story. Maybe I should write one today.