“I just want ‘one’ more”

Addiction CM Athy Cuan Mhuire Living Sober Mental Health My Story Our Stories Reflections

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In two more days I’ll be three weeks sober. As I write this I realise I’m lying to myself. My last gamble was Saturday therefore Sunday is my real sober day and today is only Wednesday. Addiction comes in many shapes and sizes. For me my core addictions are Self-Sabotage, Alcohol, Chaos, Drama, Gambling, Porn and many others I take for granted. Maybe I’m addicted to attention too.


I’m writing this from Cuan Mhuire, Athy. I spent the guts of two and a half weeks in the Acute Adult Mental Health Unit prior to this. I’m here because my life has become completely unmanageable. I’m struggling at present to connect with others in the same boat as me. I often wonder if I am on too much or too little prescribed medication. I fear daily that I won’t be accepted here. Imposter syndrome is at a high. Currently I’m considering my options. “Should I stay or should I go now” This is my seventh treatment of which I have only completed one. I’m depressed and agitated. I question everyday am I one of the few who are mentally incapable of grasping a simple twelve step programme.

Today I’m willing to admit that I’m powerless over my addictions and that my life has become completely unmanageable. Maybe that is enough for now. I’m also willing to admit that I need help and have put my family and frontline workers through enough. They say if you’re not here for yourself there is no point. Truthfully I don’t believe I’m here for myself. I’m a people pleaser by nature. Right now I’m here for my family, frontline workers, legal, housing and financial reasons. I’m here to give everybody a break. Hopefully in time I’ll be here for myself.

I do believe there is another drink or two in me. Possibly a gamble or three too. But at what cost? My mental health is gone to shit, my life is miserable, I have no friends. The only social connections I have are in institutions, why am I so afraid of social spaces such as AA and Smart Recovery? Why can’t I commit to this twelve week programme? Can I come to believe that I deserve sobriety in my life? That I’m worthy of some peace of mind and serenity?