My fifty pages (Live Typing)

I’m crippled with urges and anxiety today. Usually I’d be within two weeks of sobriety. I would still be in the honeymoon phase. I don’t feel that today. I’ve been fantasizing about Linden Village all day. I went for a walk (which reminds me I need to talk about balance), I went to an AA meeting yet I’m still full of compulsiveness. I masterbated (something which I’m trying to cut down), I had a gamble too. I have done everything in my power to distract myself from the demon that is alcohol. It ruins my life yet it is my comfort zone. All the positives of the week could come to an abrupt end today. The urges are winning, If I had money I’d be drinking by now.

I spoke at the meeting today about how I’m in court Monday morning for being intoxicated and a danger to myself. I spoke about acceptance. I believe I have accepted that I cannot change the fact that I’m in court. Nor can I change the ultimate decision of the judge. I’ve been advised to attend as the new judge has no problem issuing bench warrants. Whether I show up drunk or sober is still up for debate. I’ve broken the day into one hour intervals of sobriety rather than thinking of the day as a whole. So far it’s working.

Is this all just me and my relationship with self-sabotage? I believe so, there is nothing I feel I can do though. I am powerless over alcohol, self-sabotage and gambling. I will continue to flirt with the idea of having a drink. Even my terminology at present is wrong. I can’t see the long term benefits of my sobriety. All I can think about is how I can get my hands on some Librium for the first few days of jail. The easiest way would be to relapse, they will have to give me Librium then. I know deep down that my thinking is all wrong yet I cannot help the way I feel. I will be short by one page in my fifty page target for the week too. There is still a perfectionist that needs feeding inside me.

My compulsion to gamble is gone. All I can think about now is having a drink. My Mother is coming over to visit soon, maybe I need to think of my gratitude and think of the connection I have with others today thanks to sobriety. I have a feeling deep down that yet again I will be a hypocrite today and give in to my urges. It’s a horrible feeling. All I can do at present is distract, distract, distract. I could start watching ‘Lost’ as was my intention. There are a lot of positives I could do yet all I’m attracted to at present are the negatives I could do.

It brings me back to playing the tape forward. I want to be sober for court first. I need to remind myself too that as they say in the rooms ‘this too shall pass’. I have no doubt that I cannot successfully go on a twenty four hour binge. I could be drinking for weeks, even months. I’m under a lot of financial pressures too. I thought moving from Illness Benefit to a Jobseekers claim was the right thing to do. When you continue to do the right thing and it’s thrown back in your face it can be frustrating. Frustration is a luxury I cannot afford. I need to learn about living life on life’s terms too. I may have extra documentation that I need to provide to the social welfare but it would be a far more manageable affair if I’m sober doing so. I won’t drink today, my urges have slightly subsided since I began typing this. Maybe it’s a reminder of the importance of journaling. I spoke at the meeting today about my urges to give said urges control over me. I have taken the power away from the urge to use for now yet who knows what the future holds. There has to be an easier way of life. Maybe life just isn’t worth living. I don’t know, now I’m anxious, fearful and compulsive. It reminds me of ‘fight or flight’. I can run to town in search of a drink or I can continue to distract myself through Netflix and this website. The drink would amount to me being in flight yet the alternative would be ‘fight’. My life is so manageable at present, I’m connecting and getting one with everybody. Services are beginning to trust me again. My family doesn’t have to worry about me either. This is one hell of a battle. It’s a dilemma that I put myself through time and time again. I’m signing off now, one and a half pages away from my target but that’s the story of my life. I do everything half assed. I struggle to see things through. I prefer to 

Self-Sabotage, after all, I am more comfortable in the uncomfortable.