Fake it til you make it (Live Typing)

I’m a week sober. It’s been a challenging time. I have done a lot of cleaning, not only my apartment but the destruction I created in addiction. I attended two meetings today, one meeting was my relapse prevention group and the other was an AA meeting. I spoke at both too, usually I quiver in the corner and let everybody else say their piece. Not this time though, what I’m taking from today is sometimes you need to fake it until you make it. I have no regrets as to what I said or if I offended others. I was present at both meetings for myself and myself only. The RPG was a great introduction back to meetings for me. We spoke about gratitude. Today I’m grateful that I will always have a roof over my head. Even if I’m sent to prison, I have fears but it is still a roof over my head. Homeless services have never given up on me somehow. If I was evicted in the morning I have no doubt I would still have a roof over my head within a few days or weeks. Living life came up too, I need to remind myself yet again I might not be alive tomorrow. I need to live in the day. I even managed to walk to Salthill today, write this blog, cook my guilty pleasure of curry cheese waffles and it’s only 4pm. Today I am winning. I need to remind myself to stay on guard however, not everyday will be as serene as today. I shouldn’t even get into the habit of comparing days which I have begun to do.

I went to AA with a new found confidence today. To be honest I was bricking it but I knew it was time to show up. I don’t know where the mental strength to fight my anxiety came up but I was encouraged by another member who spoke. Then I decided, what the hell, why not me as well. In the meeting we discussed how easy it is for an addict to isolate. At present my laptop is my only friend. I have family who love me but they got the raw deal and have to love me. I presented to A&E a few weeks ago and was asked what I think my biggest problem is. Obviously alcohol comes to mind but my answer was loneliness. I need to put myself out there more. Everybody after the meeting today hung around afterwards for their weekly chit chat. I quivered out the door at 2pm. Maybe next week I’ll try to talk to someone after the meeting. I have very little connection at present. We also spoke about wanting to be in a relationship and when the opportunity comes knocking to actually be in a relationship we run or even resent the idea. Addicts find it hard to be happy. Today I’m faking it, I will continue to fake it until I find true happiness. I certainly know by now that true happiness cannot be found at the bottom of a bottle.

During my RPG it hit me like a ton of bricks today. I realised I wake up at 6am and don’t go to bed until 10pm. That is a void of sixteen hours a day I need to fill. So far today I’m filling out the day nicely, I do need to get comfortable sitting with myself however. This is something I have never been able to do. My articles on ‘the art of deflection’ and ‘Active Retirement, Active Recovery’ come to mind. It’s early days in my recovery but I am not yet ready to go on that inward journey. I envy those who are comfortable just sitting in their own shoes. It is something I would relish. I feel like I constantly have to be doing something to distract myself, maybe that’s just early sobriety. After all, I have never given long term sobriety a fighting chance.