Asking for Help

Pride, I hate it. I’m full of it and it’s a characteristic of mine that I hate. In the past year I believe I have asked for help only a handful of times. In reality I needed help more times than there are Audi cars in Ireland. For some reason I hit a brick wall everytime. I’m a people pleaser too and don’t like to burden people with my own personal obstacles. I would prefer to hide in my shell and pray that the problem goes away, my prayers are never answered however. The problems still exist. I bring myself to breaking point time and time again.

Today and over the past few months I’m getting better, I’m asking for help more often and receiving it gratefully. I have had a few challenges in the past few months. My mental health deteriorated a lot yet I was unwilling to pick up the phone to the many professionals that would be more than happy to help me when I am in crisis mode. A lot of the time I choose self harm or fantasize about killing myself in favour of asking for help. I have a new found respect for those who have the courage to stand up and admit when they need help.

I even packed my bags recently, I was planning on running away to Dublin or Belfast. It was the answer to everything. I was no sooner told that running away won’t solve anything. You hear a lot at meetings about people who have tried ‘geographic relocation’ to solve their addiction challenges. The fact is no matter how far you go you always bring your head with you unfortunately. 

From now on I will consider this one of my main defects of character. An area that needs much work. An area that could define my recovery. As they say in AA ‘You are not alone’.