It’s been a while, I’m still failing at life. (Live Typing)

Where do I begin? It’s only 7am and I have managed to spend my whole paycheck since 5.30 this morning, the gambling is still very real. And what will follow? Lies. Internally I’m in bits, I’m not sure how I cope anymore. Without this blog to share my honest feelings I would seriously consider killing myself. My rent and ESB will go unpaid this week, I don’t even know where to reach out to. GA is probably a good place to start. Again I budgeted for a small gamble this week and ended up losing everything. There isn’t even an option to ban myself from the website that is slowly killing me. I’m only five days sober from alcohol too. What happens to me over the next week will determine my future forever. I may not even be in a position to work on this website anymore, I’m considering selling my laptop. I could spend the day self-loathing but I just don’t have it in me anymore. I don’t want to but I’m going to have to start lying to those I claim to love again. Tell them my payment never came through, they deserve better. If I can’t do recovery for myself why can’t I do it for those I claim to love?

To say I’m fucked would be an understatement, It’s been weeks since I made a rent payment. I’m glaring around my sitting room to see what I could pawn, at this stage there is very little. This cannot continue. I could give tranquility to a lot of people if only I had the balls to actually go through with killing myself. I have no exit strategy, I think linking in with my old GA group would be a good place to start. I’m a ball of mixed emotions at the minute. Right now I find gambling worse than alcoholism, I never would have been able to drink my way through two hundred euros in less than two hours. The strong emotions I get from gambling are a lot more mind altering than alcoholism too. I’ve burned most of my bridges at this stage, I don’t even want to ask anyone for money anymore. There are not many who would give it to me anymore anyways. Everybody knows that I’m fond of a few horses, little to they know it’s the virtual slot machines that are killing me. I don’t know where to turn to anymore. Cuan Mhuire won’t accept me as I cannot manage to finish the full twelve weeks. This is an inward journey I need to take towards sobriety, one where I need to get to the root of what causes me to be so stupid. There is nowhere I can escape or run to anymore.

My lies worked, I’ve been given a loan of €100. I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it however. All the bald lies will catch up with me next week too. There is a cost to gambling, I will have to avoid my family for the next week and try to include them in next week’s budget. Who loses out? Me. It’s the only bit of connection bar my key worker that I get every week when I’m sober. Now I have nobody, they will probably think I’m back drinking when I don’t answer my door over the week. They lose out too, they lose out in their peace of mind. I like to think I’m selfless but this couldn’t be further from the truth. In addiction, gambling or drink I am a selfish individual. I don’t deserve the support I have today. My ESB is yet again in bits, my next bill is on the 27th five days from now. I have not yet saved a cent towards it. Suicide is still an option. I’m in court this week too, ironically for wanting to jump off a bridge in Galway. I need to accept that my life is unmanageable. Gambling has made my life unmanageable, drinking has not helped either. I have two payments to try and make up €400, I’ll be lucky if I manage to hold on to €260. I don’t know how I’m going to manage this next few weeks, hopefully I can at least stay sober for it all. That should be the minimum standard I set myself. So many budgets in my head, should I avoid my hosting bill, stop smoking or sell my laptop. These are all decisions I’m going to have to make over the next week. I need to remind myself to try my best to keep it in the day. We only have twenty four hours and this twenty four hours doesn’t seem too bad, my rent is paid, I have food in the fridge and my home is safe. I need acceptance too, I need to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change how much my bill is going to cost, I can only deal with it when I receive it. Besides, I might be in jail by Thursday so what is the point of worrying about things that are out of my control. I should try to enjoy the next few days as if they are my last.

I lost my phone on my last binge, not having a phone as a go to for escapism is really starting to get to me. I am catastrophizing a lot. I need to calm down. This week is going to be a long one. I need to remind myself that the worst thing that can happen to me over the week is either my electricity is cut off in three weeks time or I end up in jail. Both scenarios are manageable. I know a good few in jail at this stage, I also could go a few weeks with no electricity too. The chances of me getting prison too are slim. Sobriety is what the week ahead needs to be about. Keeping myself within a fighting chance of being able to finally conquer addiction. I have great hope for this website too, I believe it will become a power greater than myself. I need to set some SMART goals for the week. Stay sober is goal number one, getting a ‘fit to return to work’ certificate is goal number two. Making myself presentable for court on Wednesday is goal number three. The rest can wait. With that I’ll sign off for now, see you in the next chapter. Shanley.