Three days on, it’s time to reflect (Live Typing)

It’s Tuesday, thankfully I haven’t had a drink or gamble since Saturday, it has given me the opportunity to evaluate what went wrong for me. There are plenty of things that went wrong. What strikes me the most is how unmanageable the gamble made my life, it was only then that I decided to pick up a drink. I believe I have been deflecting too, this website is a huge distraction tool I have, maybe I have been abusing it. I still look for ways to distract myself, applying for jobs seems to be my new obsession but I genuinely feel I cannot continue to maintain my apartment on €242 a week.

Another area I need to look at is self-sabotage, for some reason I was willing to put myself in the crosshairs of services such as the guards and mental health professionals. If truth be told I’ve been trying to go at this recovery alone. I can see now that recovery can’t be done alone. I have meetings I could have turned to yet I didn’t. I let the urges win yet again. Financially I’m in a hellhole, I cannot afford to start my own business, I cannot afford a haircut or uniform for the potential employment I may get and I can’t afford my electricity at the end of the month. I often wondered if I had financial security would it make recovery easier. I also often think of how long a relapse may last if I had the financial luxury of going ‘all in’. Today will be a quiet day, I’m too embarrassed to return to my Relapse Prevention Group, probably at a time I need it most. I will hopefully attend Galway Recovery College tonight but this too is debatable. I’m stuck in an uncomfortable rut. Hopefully I can ride this through and maybe stop looking so far into the future. All I can control is my actions today and these actions won’t include having a drink or a gamble.

I have self-loathed for long enough, I feel like I need to get back to basics, back to my ‘couch to 5k’, I need to continue to write and continue to pursue my ambitions. I cannot change my relapse yet I can show gratitude. Gratitude my relapse only lasted twenty four hours, generally it would last weeks or even months. I still have my physical health and my mental health isn’t in too much need of repair either. I need to remind myself I still have family willing to help me on this journey. So too are services such as Housing First. I’m back on the horse now, I’m simply unaware of what turn off on the roundabout the horse will bring me. I could give in, I could go back drinking on the streets and still be in a position to manage my rent. Yet when I drink I despise myself, it’s the self-hatred that drives me to suicidal ideology. I need to prevent that. I am only human, I need to release the virtual rope I carry with me everyday. I need to move forward, not backwards. My lack of connection has definitely shone through, maybe I need more physical rather than online meetings. I have the flexibility to achieve this afterall, judging from the response (null) I got from my CV I’m still unemployable. This is only a short term problem, I will make myself employable again. Self-Employable.