Acceptance (Live Typing)

I got back online late yesterday evening, check out ‘Where Gambling Brings Me’ for more info. It’s Friday today and I feel like I need to bring things back to basics. Waking up sober is a luxury I have at the minute, I should be more grateful for that. I can also enjoy coffee and rollies throughout my morning, another thing I can be grateful for. I got access to my electricity meter today, I had believed ESB were wrong in the estimates they gave me but I am wrong. My electricity at present is akin to having a cannabis farm in my house. I cannot get my head around it but I need to accept that my electricity will be approx six hundred and fifty euros for the month of February which is mind blowing. It’s put my life and this website on hold. It also brings up urges not to take responsibility and go drinking or gambling. It could be May/June before I have the opportunity to launch now. Maybe I should start working on my other website which is live and paid for; Galway Uncovered.

I was tested yesterday, I had to surrender to my bed at 6.30pm rather than surrendering to my addictions. The fight is still real. AA and religion would teach me to ‘accept the things I cannot change’. Maybe I also need to look at having ‘the courage to change the things that I can’. I can just about manage my electricity this month, no doubt I will need a small bit of help from my family. I question whether I will ever get to a stage where my hand isn’t always out anymore. A stage where I can stand on my own two feet. In CM Coolarne the Head Nurse would often suggest to me ‘It’s about time you learnt to paddle your own canoe.’. Someday my independence needs to be higher on my priorities list, unfortunately this month will not be it.

I’m going to have to live a very basic life for the next few weeks, I cannot even afford a haircut now. Beyond today I need to look at gratitude lists. Look at ‘Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs’. My needs are being met on a daily basis. I have a roof over my head, I will not go hungry and I can stream the internet from my phone for a short period. Two weeks ago I was at a meeting where someone couldn’t even afford rollies, rollies are not a worry I have today. I found myself looking at job websites yesterday. This is something I have done in the past when a slip is on the horizon. I need to be cautious over the next few days and reflect daily. I need to break down time into a twenty four hour period. My weekly SMART targets are on track too. My worry has shifted from the safety of my castle to whether or not I will be able to afford my electricity at the end of the month, If I could only think of the next twenty four hours. In this twenty four hour period I have food, I have electricity, I could drink or gamble but I choose not to and by tomorrow hopefully I will have the same as today but who knows. Let’s just enjoy the ride through emotional turbulence for now.

I worry if I continue to get these large bills I will have to consider downsizing, maybe community based housing. At present I’m paying one hundred and eighty euros to be lonely, it doesn’t make sense. Hopefully when I launch this website I will no longer be lonely and be able to build a thriving community. Only then will I be content with my bills, this website will hopefully be a power greater than myself.

It’s 1.30pm and I’m wrapped up in bed. Urges kicked in about noon and I had to retreat. I could see myself drinking, I needed to remind myself of what I asked God for on my knees this morning. That was to keep me safe. Maybe my retreat is keeping me safe, relapse is in my mind. I need to remind myself that I can no longer drink safely. It wouldn’t end well for me, I need to ‘play the tape forward’. This feels like deja vu. I have even gotten WhatApp messages offering me alcohol, yet another friend this time looking for company. It’s Valentine’s Day today and I feel lonely, maybe this is the emotion that triggered my urges, maybe it’s the emotion that triggers a lot of my past relapses too. Today I will watch Netflix, that I can binge on safely. I will eat healthy too but I can see myself progressing to binging on food over the weekend, taco waffles are calling me. If my biggest upset this weekend is my diet I will be happy. The fight is on, If I can get through the next few hours, even minutes sober it will increase the chances of me fighting my demons over the weekend and winning. I also need to remind myself yet again that this is a marathon and not a sprint.

I’m coming to the end of Friday, it’s currently four fifty one and I’m ready to rest for the weekend. I began applying for jobs. This is something in the past that has brought on a relapse but I think it’s the right thing for me to do. In order to enjoy my sobriety I need to make sacrifices, not picking up the first drink or betting slip remains a priority. I want to be part of society again, not hiding away behind my laptop as I have been. Getting a job would give me the means to make this website greater. It is also a no brainer when it comes to my bills. All the signs are pointing towards employment, not only would I then be able to afford my bills but I would also be able to afford a haircut….what I wanted to say here was it would also get me out of the house and possibly cut my bills by about 33%. It will be interesting next week as I send out my CV if anyone bites. Anyways, have a nice weekend everybody, stay safe! *Signing off