“Mental Tsunamis” (Live Typing)

Good morning, It’s Thursday, it’s good to be alive, it’s even better to be sober. Today is my three week anniversary. I am three weeks without a drink. I also haven’t self-medicated or had a gamble. One of my old ‘acquaintances’ who has been in a relationship with my doorbell has been sent to prison. Slowly my anxiety is starting to subside. Usually I go through a honeymoon period getting sober but with everything that has been going on this time it has been tough. I need to remind myself of how tough daily life is. I’m not sure if there is another recovery in me. I’ve started getting on my knees and praying for help too. This is not for the religious angle rather than me commiting to how powerless I am over my addictions.

I did ‘Recovery College’ for the first time on Tuesday evening. We spoke about our emotions and how ‘Mental Tsunamis’ can overpower them. We looked at practical solutions such as identifying our emotions. I also downloaded the STOPP App, a free mental health app that helps prevent you going into a destructive zone. As I write this I’m becoming aware I may be addicted to destruction too. Anything good in my life I have managed to self sabotage. They say in recovery that relapse happens well before picking up the substance or betting slip. That picking up the substance or betting slip is the final part of a relapse. For me this week I felt overwhelmed and I wasn’t sitting with myself at all. What I was missing was balance, I was too focused on this website even though I am only in early recovery. From now on I know to only work on my website Monday, Tuesday, Thursday & Friday. People are screaming out for a four day work week so why shouldn’t I?

Yesterday was nice, I did nothing. Well there were periods of my day off spent overthinking. I was able to watch Netflix for most of the day. Wednesday as a day of rest is now a part of my weekly schedule. Structure is important too. I have decided to participate in AA on a Monday morning, Relapse Prevention Group on a Tuesday, GA on a Thursday and Smart Recovery on a Friday. I’m enjoying this bowl of soup so far.

It’s raining and very gloomy outside today. An addiction counsellor from CM Coolarne once told me recovery is easy when you can walk the Salthill promenade and enjoy an ice cream. When it’s miserable out and the days are dark at six in the evening is when you need to show up. I showed up today, I did my Couch to 5k this morning in the rain. I’m feeling the benefits of it now, I’m also back on target to achieve my SMART goals for the week. I will have run three times this week and have attended Tom’s group. I’m trying my best to ‘Keep It Simple’ (Yet Another AA Quote).

In Recovery College we spoke about how we can challenge Mental Tsunamis and Mental Ambushes. It’s all fine in theory but difficult to put into practice when all your brain wants to do is fire warning signals. In theory yes I could identify my tantrum as an emotion I’m feeling but when you’re so caught up in the moment it can be very difficult, personally I’m just learning to sit with the uncomfortable without reaching for a drink or a betting slip. Mindfulness can play a big part in my recovery yet I’m being willful. I have downloaded Headspace but am yet to use it.

Tom spoke about how when you are used to wearing jeans or tracksuits and have to put on a suit it feels uncomfortable, this is similar to the feeling of early sobriety. You can feel like it doesn’t fit right or maybe you may feel that people may judge you differently. Early sobriety is awkward. Luckily today I feel like the suit is fitting me, today I’m feeling like me and my recovery are a good match. I might even take down my Tinder profile as I feel like I have found the perfect partner. Now is the time to feel comfortable with the uncomfortable.

Tonight will be a game changer for me, I will attend my first GA meeting since being in CM Athy. I need to remind myself that my gambling is as bad as my drinking. It often even triggers me to drink and therefore can no longer be part of my life.

Connection is something I’m lacking at Present. I have decided that rather than going to ‘Ben’s Friend’s’ (Which I’m sure is a good meeting) I will attend Salthill AA in person on a Monday, it might even spur me on to do my Relapse Prevention Group in person too. I am a master at hiding in my own cuckoon. I need to put myself out there, I’m just very aware of how socially awkward and shy I am. One of the benefits alcohol gave me was confidence but that is no longer an option for me. At present, the only human interaction I have is with my Mum and my social worker from Housing First. Maybe I too need to be comfortable with ‘Reaching Out’.

I have cooked for the next two days, I find cooking to be a mindful pleasant activity, Something I should do more of. It’s only pasta but it has me completely present whilst whisking it all together. It’s full of goodness too, spinach, onion and mushrooms. Eating healthy can improve mental health and should be part of any sobriety. Even harm reduction models can benefit from healthy eating.