“A Selfish Programme” – CM Athy (AA Quote) (Reflection)

They call Recovery & Treatment a selfish programme. For me I have to remind myself, nobody would bring me here except my eldest brother and my Mum. I also need to remember I walked through the gates of this house by myself and I will one day walk back out the gates by myself too. Another reminder I need is that not one of my so-called friends even picked up the phone to me when I was in the psychiatric hospital. Some of them even did the opposite and robbed any valuables that I had left. Yet these are the same people I will go for a drink with if I pick up again. Unfortunately in homeless services and on the streets being kind is seen as a weakness. I was seen as a very weak person on the streets. I could buy four cans and only get to drink one of them if others ascended on me. It was like vultures looking for their prey. A lot of it comes down to loneliness and low self confidence. Looking to the future if I stay sober I need to look at what I can do to stand by my values. I want to be of service to my family. (Which I achieved over Christmas before relapsing). I want to do good by others’. I want my independence back too. To be rewarded with these things I need to first look after myself. Another analogy that comes to mind is the oxygen mask. They say if you and someone you love are on an airplane and the oxygen masks come down. Do you put the mask on your loved one or yourself first? You put it on yourself in order to be able to put it on your loved one. 

I need to learn to say no too, people pleasing is no longer an option for me. When I’m sober and bet free, creating new meaningful relationships will come into my life too. Who knows? I might even get the chance to have sober sex too. (Provided it doesn’t become another addiction). I’m looking forward to putting myself and my sobriety first. They speak in AA about the need to change your ‘People, Places & Things’. My people will become my family, my places will become meetings and I’m not quite sure what my things will become, I am sure they will be things in sobriety though.