Trauma and I

Whenever I hear the word trauma it brings me to an awkward place. It’s an area most people find difficult. It’s a place in the past that caused me to ‘flight’. The brain sends warning signals. “My brain is wired by a plumber”, I was once told in CM Coolarne by a lady at AA. I heard last night how the brain interprets danger, the brain in an instant looks for previous memory to identify the danger. Generally the previous danger can be trauma. I grew up witnessing violence. Both emotional and physical violence. No wonder my brain lately has been in ‘danger’ mode. It’s experience the pain of being a prisoner in my own home ten months ago. I also witnessed a lot of violence on the streets. My automatic response to danger is to this day ‘flight’. The ‘flight’ concept is based on a reaction from the brain to ‘fight’ or ‘flight’. The only time I ever picked ‘fight’ was when I was wishing my Father and principal dead, that didn’t end up too well for my Father. In the homeless system ‘flight’ became a daily occurrence. I was taken advantage of a lot. I’ve had phones, laptops, money and a lot of alcohol taken from me. I’m seen as a soft touch on the streets. I’ve only lately accepted that I’m a vulnerable person. My biggest regret is ‘flight mode’ is running away from my addictions. I’ve left a lot of treatments early only to come out ten times worse. Everyone has always suggested that alcohol doesn’t suit me. Martin in CM Coolarne who is now the head councillor there asked me a few years ago “Is it not time you stand up for your sobriety?”. It’s only now I’m hearing what he meant. Maybe its time for me to enter ‘fight’ mode.