New horizons full of anxiety (Live Typing)

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Today is my first day of sobriety. I’m writing this to relieve some of my anxiety. I felt great freedom when I woke up this morning, no longer a slave to addiction. I listened to the radio, had a few cigarettes and copious amounts of coffee. (Yes, I’m addicted to cigarettes and coffee too)

I put some plans in place for this website about how I’m going to build it honestly, not from the winnings of gambling but by saving. I fear saving, I often fear relapse and having savings would multiply the relapse. My local shop serves me wine at eight in the morning, if I had savings I could see myself on monthly binges rather than weekly. I would continue to drink until my savings were gone, then I would turn to begging again.

I have an uncomfortable few weeks ahead of me. At present I don’t feel safe in my own home. I’ve been researching camera systems for my house, at least if I was to be stabbed in my own home or my life was taken from me it would be on CCTV in the cloud. It’s pretty grim thinking but I reality because of the choices I made whilst in addiction. My word for the day is Time. I need to give everything time. I cannot afford my camera system until Saturday at the earliest and it’s only Sunday. I’ll struggle to live off twenty euro for food, I hope the special buys in Aldi are good next week. But it will be worth it, I’ll be able to turn my bedroom into a fortress. My addiction counsellor Tom told me when I first moved in to treat my home like I would a castle. I wish I had listened. Now every homeless Tom, Dick & Harry feel they are welcome in my home, I don’t want that anymore. I need to thank Maureen & Respond for not turfing me out of my home. I have not been the best of tenants, but they have given me chances time and time again. It’s time to repay those chances by being a good tenant. Galway Simon, Dr. Bainbridge & Team, Cope Galway, Housing First and Galvia Medical centre have given me many chances too. Thank you. Thank you all. I do believe I can start making living amends to you all. One day at a time.

I’m overthinking a lot recently, catastrophizing too. I’m overwhelmed by the evil that is out in the world. I just bumped into a neighbour who warned me that a certain group of people are on the prowl. I have regrets too, I wish I hadn’t gambled all my money but rather bought my CCTV system. I feel my door is going to be broke down every minute of every day. I have a week full of fear ahead of me and no cape to hide under. There will be no drugging, drinking or gambling. I need to push through the mental pain I’m experiencing at present. I have lived in fear for a long time. I wish I was strong, able to stand up for myself. If I owned a pair of boots I’d quiver in them. I’m even starting to debate whether or not to show up to my meetings next week or put them off for another week.

I’ve just had yet another coffee, I reflected on last week. I was at a meeting on Tuesday. One man at the meeting is struggling to get social welfare. He literally has nothing. It makes me angry at myself. This man can’t even afford a pouch of tobacco yet I can blow one hundred and fifty euros on escapism gambling. I need to start putting a value on money, it doesn’t grow on trees and the sooner I start to respect it the better. I was given a free bet today for gambling so much, I haven’t even used it, I won’t either. I feel proud about that. I have even gone as far as to move them into the junk folder of my inbox.

This is me signing off for the day, bet free and alcohol free. My anxiety is still high. I still feel sick with fear but I’m hoping this is just a symptom of early sobriety. The day has been long without a gamble, I’m blessed to have this blog to get me through the day. I’m blessed with a lot of things really, gratitude is what I need. I’ve decided that tomorrow I will begin my couch to 5k, I want to make running part of my recovery. Recovery is to be enjoyed, I have often stated that if I wasn’t enjoying sobriety I might as well keep drinking and gambling so only time will tell. I wrote some business plans today too to give me some SMART goals for this website. My final note today is I probably need to slow down a bit, as a publican once said to a friend of mine ‘This is a marathon, not a sprint’.