I’m a hypocrite (Live Typing)

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I speak so much about self-discipline and today I had not an ounce of it. To date I’ve been posting about a harm reduction model when it comes to gambling. I was wrong. I’m an addict, what was I thinking? I just lost the guts of 70% of my income gambling even though I said ‘I would stick to twenty five euros.’ I feel sick, deception creeped back into my life. Luckily I bought my tobacco before I went gambling, the first thing I tried to do was pawn it off to a friend for twenty euro to try and chase my loss. I deleted the whatsapp message offering the tobacco for twenty euros and decided to write this instead. My broadband will go unpaid this week, luckily I paid my rent before gambling too. Tomorrow will be my first sober day in a long time. From 01/02/25 I will be gamble free and be alcohol free. I can seem a bit frightening, I will have no cape to hide under. I thought of all the schemes I could do to make up the money for my broadband and to gamble more. The truth is I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore, this is the first time I’ve felt suicidal all week. It’s so lonely being a gambler, there is nobody I feel I can reach out to today. I made the wrong choices today and have to pay for it. If I had won I would have kept going, kept gambling, kept scheming. I’m not able to do it anymore. I just want to try honest living. I won’t ask for the money for my broadband, I’ll let them cut me off for the week. I will continue to write using Microsoft notepad, it will be eight days or so before I have enough money again to get back online. All the positive posts I have reflected on over the past week seem meaningless.  I don’t know where to go from here. I spoke with a man called Willie last week about how he managed to go from gambling 150,000 to 0 over a year ago. He spoke about how the only person who makes money out of the bookies wears a balaclava. I’m a mug. I wish I had listened to him now. All I can do now is look forward to trying life out gamble free and alcohol free. An update; I sold that pouch of tobacco to my friend. I lied to his face and said the money was for my broadband. I deserve to lose it. My last bet hopefully. I’ll post an update as to how long the money lasted after I have lost it all. I can’t stop, I’m looking at my possessions and thinking what ones would look good in the local pawn shop. I need to bring myself right back down, down to a level of gratitude. I need to calm myself over the bank holiday weekend. I’ve made this difficult as I’ll have no broadband to distract myself with. I just hope I can go the week without deceiving my family for money for credit or broadband. I hope I can take this week as an eye opener as to where gambling has brought me. I thought I would make enough money today to publish this website, little did I know I’d be this desperate and broke by 2.30 in the afternoon. The truth is I’ve never been comfortable saving, it’s a skill I need to learn. I need a crash course in it at this stage. With alcohol I can only drink so much before ending up getting arrested or in hospital. With gambling however there are no limits. It can affect your energy around others too. I’m already questioning whether or not to go to my Mum’s tomorrow for a coffee in the morning. I feel toxic. Everybody thinks I’m doing great because I’m a week off the drink, yet here I am still a slave. A slave to gambling, I can put on a persona now telling people I’m well yet I’m as sick as ever. My only saving grace is my plan to start going to meetings from Tuesday, I will pray tonight. Pray for complete sobriety and content sobriety.

And that’s a wrap, it took about an hour to lose my last twenty two euros. I lied to get the money, I knew I had some bad karma coming my way. I had a friend giving me money over the week to feed my gambling habit, he no longer wants to be my friend. My gambling career hopefully is officially over. I genuinely believe gambling makes you more suicidal than alcoholism. I feel like killing myself yet I know deep down I don’t have the balls to go through with it. Now it’s time to suffer mentally for the next eight days. I have a serious problem that I don’t know how to address. Is it greed? Yes. Is it selfish? Yes. Why can’t I stop myself? Anybody reading this must see how much of a fool gambling has made of me yet I go back to it again again and again. There has to be a more fulfilling and content life out there. Mentally I’m broke too, lost. Really lost. Not financially or anything, I’ve never respected money. I have lately started to respect my mental health though and my mental health deserves better than this. Hopefully this was my last gamble.