To the faithful and unfaithful departed

One part of recovery I have always struggled with was finding a higher power. A power greater than myself. I was always too arrogant to seek one out. Even writing this gives me a bit of ‘God complex’. Growing up I would often go to mass, believe it or not I was an altar boy at one stage too. Having faith and hope are important tools in recovery. Luckily today I see the faithful and unfaithful departed as my Higher Power. I could do with putting it into action though. There is a lot in my mind I would love to hand over. I could do with learning to ‘Trust the process’ too. I know there is good in me but I also know there is some evil too. Sometimes I feel like a burden, afraid to ask for help even though I’m crying out for it. I need to speak out more.

I remember I was once planning on getting a tattoo for the faithful and unfaithful departed. Its over fourteen years ago. It was going to be a holy cross, a ribbon was meant to go over it with the roman numerals IV. I never got that tattoo, If I was to get that tattoo today there would be over twenty in whatever that is in roman numerals, the majority being suicide and accidental deaths. I’ve seen my fair share of tragedy, too much. It consumes me and I find it hard to live in the Present. I dwell on the past a lot. Maybe it’s time to ‘Let go, Let God’ (Stolen from the twelve step A.A program) . I have a habit of blessing myself for specific people at specific churches. This can be a daily occurrence when I’m sober. My life doesn’t feel like it’s worth living when I am sober or drunk. I need to learn more about “Living Sober”. Waking up in the morning should excite me. I should be more thankful. Getting sober is only a miniscule part of recovery. I need to seek out happiness and contentment too, otherwise I might as well keep drinking and gambling until it takes my life for good this time.